So, how do you get your ex girlfriend back when she has a new boyfriend? This really is the million dollar question, but don’t worry, I won’t charge you a million for the answer. The reason for the free advice is this, you hold all the cards and all I could do is to help you pick the right cards. Every relationship is unique and therefore it should be treated as such, there isn’t such thing as the universal method to winning an ex girlfriend back.
Before we can discuss the strategies to win back your girl, you should ask yourself this question. Is my ex girlfriend worth getting back? After a breakup and especially if you have been dumped, it’s impossible to have any sort of rational thoughts. I won’t force this on you too much, but please, do take a second and think if she really is worth all your effort and love in getting her back.
If you are still with me, let us continue discussing how to get your girlfriend back. Here’s the good news, your ex girlfriend’s first boyfriend after the breakup is most likely a rebound boyfriend. But here’s the bad news, until this little flame of theirs burns out on its own, there’s really nothing you can do to break them up.
The first step is the most difficult part of it all, because all you can do is to wait it out. I know it kills you inside knowing that you girlfriend is with some other guy, but you have to let her have this mini fling of hers. In the mean time, don’t make the mistake of contacting her in any way. That includes no text, e-mails, or letters.
you watch this video
If you stop calling though, she may call you instead and you may be tempted to sway her back. But I assure you that this is not the right time to make your move. If she does call you as a direct result of you ceasing contact, then she’s not calling you because she wants you back. She’s calling you out of her own insecurity and that’s because she suddenly realizes that you have moved on from the breakup. We know this isn’t true, but she will have no clue about this.
She realizes that she’s in a relationship that will not last, but she still felt comforted knowing that you would come back to her on a dime if she had demanded, but that was then and now she realizes that you will not be there for her anymore. At this stage, even if you could get her back, you should know that she will stick around for only as long as it takes to get her self esteem back.
After about a month or two, she will either breakup with the new boyfriend or trouble will start brewing in paradise. Women are most vulnerable right after breaking up with a rebound boyfriend. It’s ironic because rebound boyfriends are supposed to prevent this, but involving yourself in a meaningless relationship will do that to you.
This is when you make your entry and no, you do not go after her right away. You are there to lend her an ear and to be a friend to her. What you do from this point on is up to you and I have no answer for that. However, I will tell you to take things gradually if you want her back and want her back for good this time.
This is one way of getting your girlfriend back when she has a new boyfriend, but if you feel that your situation requires a more thorough planning, I suggest you read the next page. Click Here to continue.
If I were to call her, she won’t ingnore the call
PLEASE HELP ME!!My situation is all messed up. me and this girl have known each other since we were very little, and when i was a freshman in high school i asked her out but i did via email which now i know was a bad idea and i put her through some tough things anyways years later im now a junior, ive got my stuff together and ive built some confidence and ive always liked this girl even loved her. shes also my best friends cousin and we’ve been friends literaly since we were in diapers. but she has a boyfriend now and i really want her back now that i know what couldve been.. i mean were so much alike its unreal and i know that they’ve argued somewhat which is what i want but she told me one night that she likes him almost as much as she did me when we were going out. that kind of crushed my spirits a little but im not giving up. but then again she had drank too much that night and of course i was there rubbing her back making sure she was alright then thats when she told me.. im really stuck man and i need someone to talk too about this. i cant lose her
Hey hipoman,
Did you actually read my reply before replying back? Of course you are not going to hang out with her as friends. That’s exactly what she wants and you are going to give it to her? There are situations when you can guise as a friend and use that to make trouble in your ex girlfriend’s new relationship, but yours is not such situation. Don’t get weak by the prospect of hanging out with her, if she wants you as her friend and you give in like a good dog, then that’s all you’ll ever end up becoming.
I say this all the time, you either take a chance and go for what you want, or you’ll always settle for mediocre. And romance isn’t any different. So if you want to play this out safely and become best friends with her than that’s your choice, but don’t tell anyone I advised you to so. Otherwise, stick to the game plan and take a chance.
Hello Ryan,
I’m sure you are feeling miserable right now and that’s probably affecting your ability to craft a comprehensible message, but you’ll have to do better than your last message if you expect me to help you. You can’t jump from one time period to the next without some back story and expect me to understand your situation. Write me a message as if your chances of winning your ex girlfriend back depended on it and I’m sure I’ll be able to help you. Get back to me and we’ll talk then. Take care Ryan.
thank you so much for your help. My ex contacted me last night after a little over a week of not talking to her. i just ignored it and hopes that she contacts me again. i feel bad for not texting her back but isn’t it a good thing that i just ignored the text? or should i text her back?
Hello Hipoman,
No contact is played out differently depending on the situation. In your case, you are trying to make her realize that you are not her doormat, but at the same token, you do not want to be seen as a petty ex boyfriend either. So continue ignoring her calls for now, but do reply to her texts from now on. It’s actually a good thing that you haven’t replied to her text right away, because otherwise she would still assume that she has you by the sack.
Reply to her with simple acknowledgements and don’t make small talks over the text. “Sorry I was busy” or “Sorry I had left my phone in the car” are the sort of replies I want you sending. You have to understand, just because she texted you after a week of ignoring her, it doesn’t mean that she’s ready to take you back. The first step is done, now you got her guessing and she’s sensing that you are moving on and moving on fast.
Keep her on her toes and don’t get weak and try to contact her fearing that she might not even want to be friends with you. You don’t want to be her best friend, do you? I think I know the answer to that, so stick with the game plan hipoman. Keep me posted. By for now.
so i talked to my ex. she said she misses me and i said miss you too and she got mad at me and said no you dont. later that night she apologized to me for hurting me and how i wasted a year of my life with her. she says she misses me but doesnt want to be with me. she asked if we could be friends and i said no we cant be friends. so right now im thinking about the two options i have. 1. no contact still. or 2. be her friend but keep her on her toes. her new boyfriend is not going to be home at all this whole summer except for saturdays. if i ask to hangout and she has a good time then i wont text her. she might wonder why isn t he texting me etc. honestly i dont know what is best. me not talking to her is making her miss me but its not wanting her to be with me. but if i have take her out and do something she always wanted to do with me, she could have fun and start to remeber why she wanted to be with me in the first place. im not saying to be her best friend or anything. i hope that makes sense to you. Thanks
Hello hipoman,
Why would you ask for my advice if you are not going to follow them? You just started a proper no contact and it took you less than a week to start talking to her again even though I explicitly told you not to speak to her. Forget about using the no contact strategy from now on, it’s not going to work because the second time around it just doesn’t have the same effect. Also, don’t bother trying to keep her on her toes by befriending her and somehow magically making her feel attracted to you. Plain and simple it won’t work.
You say not talking to her makes her miss you, but that it doesn’t make her want you back. And exactly how long have you tried it to be so sure that it wouldn’t make her want you back? Look, I see this happen time and time again, you guys get weak too easily and end up doing the complete opposite of what you should be doing. Some people hope to get lucky and some make their own luck. I like people who make their own luck and I like working with them. Generally speaking, hoping that your ex girlfriend would come back if you become friends with them, it’s like hoping that you’ll strike rich by winning the lottery.
The one year you spent with your ex girlfriend was not a waste of time. It is part of your history now and it will help you grow as a person regardless of what you think of it at the moment. Don’t take any offense to my opinion, but I know that some guys just have what it takes to get things done to get their ex girlfriends back and some guys just don’t have it even with the answers right in front of them. Maybe for you, it would be better to try to move on with your life than to try to get this girl back. That’s it from me hipoman. Best of luck.
so i was in a relationship for almost 3 years, from 8th grade till recently, we had broken up three times, but i put her through hell. When i realized what i had, i put myself completely into the relationship and went for broke. By that time the ship sailed, She was talking to another guy while we were dating, (whom she dated 2 times after every breakup, and again now) , She tells me every time they are dating that it feels like she is single, and that he isnt a factor, then we seem to always get back together, and it is starting to follow suit again, i stopped talking to her for 3 days, and every minute i was still checking my phone, i broke down and called her, and she told me she was dating him but sees us getting back together. How do i get this routine to quit? Also, why is it that when you are dating someone it is very easy to find people that like you, but when your not, you cant?
I NEED HELP!!!. i was in a relationship with the girl i love more than anything for 4 months.. But one night we got into a really bad fight.. that jnuray. we still talk alot, she says she still loves me an misses me. but she doesnt know about us anymore.. i hurt her so bad.. i regret everysingle day.. we both have had relationships since are brake up. but i still miss her so much an love her the same.. rightnow she just started a new relationship with another guy.. she says she likes him.. its been 5 months since the brake up an im still not over.. Please help me get her back.. i will do anything..
Hello JJJJ lol~,
So I see that you want to stop this routine you guys have of breaking up, her seeing the same guy she goes to after the break up, and you never being able to do the same with another girl. Well, it’s simple really. You just have to stop putting her through hell JJJJ. You said it yourself, you put her through hell and so she left you for the poor sap who plays the rebound boyfriend time after time. To tell you the truth, this is what high school is like or was like for most of us as well.
There’s a lot of drama involved because you guys are young and highly unpredictable. This is really just part of growing up and you’ll learn to treat women better with experience. Well, hopefully. Also, there’s a reason why you feel like you are sought after when you are unavailable and the opposite when you are available. The simple answer to that is because of the disparity in the length of time between the period of time when you were single and the period of time when you were involved with someone.
You went out with your ex girlfriend for 3 years from the 8 grade, which probably makes her your first gf and you’ve been single for what? A few months maybe? There were 36 months while you were together with your ex girlfriend for some random girl to have the hots for you, as oppose to your single days which is probably a few months at the most. A simple mathematical logic. Stop being a jackass to your girlfriend and she won’t dump you, well, at least not for being a jackass. You said she was coming back to you soon, so you really don’t need my help in that department. Just don’t be a jackass. Take care JJJJ.
Hello SaintMichael,
Do me a favor and give me some more details about your relationship, the fight, and the break up. Also, are you guys in a long distance relationship? I ask because you guys still keep in touch and I want to know if you guys ever met up after the break up or not. Just try to give me some more info. I can’t really help you when you are trying to explain a 4 months long relationship with just few sentences. I’ll wait for your reply then, bye for now.
hi coach how are you i need your advise make short i have been with mi ex for 5 years everything was fine in the beggining but in the last 2 years everytthing when down hill we start argue a lot and than she deside to live and she told me that we where goin to be boyfriend and girlfriend but living separate and we did for 2 weeks but than all the sunned she told me that she change her mind and want to be alone and try new things but i find out that she was doing online dating and she start talking to that guy that now is her boyfriend is only been 3 months since she moved out of my house and she already have a boyfriend but i dont know what to do because i call her she calls me and she comes over spend nights with me at least 2 o 1 night a week but she saids that she loves me but start having feeling for this guy and the last time she was here she told me that she loves that guy that happens 2 nights ago and i really dont know what to do she said she is confuse but she already delete me from her facebook and add him as she is dating him and she text me today that we are going to go out tomorrow i love her and i want her back even if she has a boyfriend i will forget her help me please tanks im sorry for my english
hey i really need help with this one. me and my ex never had sex before and she was a virgin so am i.. i found out that a few weeks into her new relationship she had sex. she always told me she wanted to waited and i respected that. but to find out she lost her virginity to some guy that shes been only dating for a month? idk what to do. i still want to be with her but like this killed me knowing this.
Hello Mr. Sam,
If your ex girlfriend was dating someone online, then it shouldn’t have been a surprise that she got herself a new boyfriend almost right after she broke with you. However, 5 years is a long time to be romantically involved with one person and it appears that the break up was not easy on her either. She went over to your place and spent time with you even after the break up, so she could reduce the negative impact of your absence in her life. So even though you must have thought she was still not over you and you still had a chance, all you’ve been doing was helping her move on faster.
One thing that I can tell you for sure is that she does not love you anymore. I’m not trying to hurt you anymore than you already have been, but it is important to understand the reality if you want any chance of getting her back one day. Simply put, she wouldn’t have left you if she still loved you. You see in real life, people are very selfish and they never leave people they love. Don’t worry about her Facebook status or any other inconsequential things that have little or no bearing at all in your future. What you need to worry about is to understand what is best for you.
Let me ask you a couple of questions then. Do you really want your ex girlfriend back? And if the answer is a yes, then are you confident that you wouldn’t allow your emotions to get in the way of doing what is necessary to win her back? Think about it for a while, many men say yes instantly without even giving it a thought and they end up messing up everything by allowing their emotions to cloud their mind. Do you think you could lock your emotions in a box for the next few months? Let me know and we’ll talk more.
Hello Hipoman,
I don’t know what I can do to help you buddy, you don’t really take any of the advice I give you but you keep coming back with more questions. I don’t know how you learned of your ex girlfriend losing her virginity to her new boyfriend, but what I can tell you is that it is not a big deal. I know it sounds insensitive and I make it sound so simple, but that’s the truth, it’s really not a big deal. What should matter the most is becoming her last man and not her first.
Let me tell you about my love life right at this moment. I love my girlfriend and I love the fact that we are together right now. I don’t think about her first boyfriend or the guy that deflowered her, they mean absolutely nothing to me because I’m the one who is with her right now and I’m the one she’s in love with right at this moment. Learn to look at the bigger picture and you will deal with the pain much better than you are right now.
Thank you so much! Seriously it Means a lot to me. I’m gonna keep at the no contact rule. But she keeps coming to me for advice about her doing this. She said she feels like a terrible person and feels like she doesn’t even know who she is anymore. She’s not in a healthy relationship at all. Should I just keep no contact? Or should I make her feel better about herself and stuff
Hello Hipoman,
It will feel good in the short term to console her and to make her feel better about herself, because for the duration that she needs your support to get back on her feet again, she will be nice to you and it will feel like she’s giving you a second chance. However, this has nothing to do with you and her getting back together. She’s in a new relationship and by your own words it is not a healthy relationship. She needs your support to not only move on from you, but to also help her feel good about herself and to possibly improve her current relationship.
Now that you have gone from a brief and a halfhearted attempt at no contact, I have no idea how she will respond to you ceasing contact again. But it’s really your best bet right now and you have to take a chance with it, or she will get everything she needs from you and leave you high and dry in the end.
Hey Coach,
My girlfriend and I just recently broke up and I’m sure she hasn’t moved on to another relationship, alothough I could be wrong. I did make the mistake of trying to make contact with her from the get go and I’m sure this has only pushed her away more. The reason why we broke is that I have had my problems with motivation and ambition to do something with my life, plus she said that she wanted to be single. I’m not sure if this is true or not but it gives me the time to get a plan together and I just need some for quidance overall. I have plans to work on myself, but I do love this girl we dated for nearly a year. We hardly fought but we were competetive to the point where things weren’t boring. It was a good thing. I’ve been keeping up with the no contact thing for a few days now, but I do have the intentions of sending her an email saying, “That I’m sorry for trying to contact her and that I agree with the break up because it’ll give us time to be apart, although I don’t want another relationship. It’ll give me the time to work on myself. Love your ex”. So please just give me some guidance. We still love each other, but I’m sure those feelings for her at least will fade a month from now.
My ex just told me she breaking up with this kid because she says she doesn’t like how she is chaning and stuff. She said she wanted u help and stuff. But she told me she doesn’t want to be with anyone right now because she wants to hangout with whoever she wants and stuff. I dont know what to do now. She is breaking up with him and she wants me to come over
Hey coach,
I’m hoping you can give me some advise. Quick background of my situation. I dated this girl for 2 and a half yrs. We had a few minor break-ups here and there but got back together in a day or 2. We completely loved eachother. She used to tell everyone she wanted to marry me someday. Well 2 months ago she broke up with me. She said she felt the spark was gone and was sick of being under appreciated. She also said she didn’t want to be tied down anymore and wanted to be single. Needless to say I panicked and did all the wrong things your NOT supposed to do. After a couple weeks I calmed down but then she started seeing someone else! Someone who was friends with all her friends and always had a crush on her. She always used to say that freaked her out that he liked her.3 weeks ago they started dating and pictures of them popped up everywhere on FB. She told me after the break up she wanted to be friends. Shocking…. and for a while it seemed out of pity. A week after they started dating I began NC. Sense then she’s texted me a few times. We had friendly convo. as I tried to act cool and to me moving on. A few days a go after chatting for a few mins she said “we should meet up soon, ok?” To which I responded I’m busy this week, maybe next week. So what does this all mean? Is she in a rebound? Does she still have feelings? Do I have a chance? Should I continue to let her initiate the convos? Any advise would be deeply appreciated. I really want her back, even if it means waiting a little while. Thank you.
Hey Couch,
I completely lost now and really need some advice. Me and My ex we being together for 2 years 7 month. We broke up just 4 weeks ago. The cause of all this break up happen on the last 2 month of our relation. I was too busy with college and studies. While she was so free as she’s just graduated and jobless at that moment. I was stuck with all the work i had and i realize now that i left her out. I didnt manage to call her and the only communication we had is just text once in a while. There was a few times she tried to date me out but i was too busy and always called it off last minute and i know i disappointed her. And at that point i also start to realize that she got bored of me. after the 2 month while i finally get over with all my works and finally the day that we could meet out together again after 2 months. After we meet out what i got is she wanted to break up with me. She said it is not an emotional decision she being thinking about it for 2 month already that she really do lost her feelings to me and she doesnt want to lie to me and wanted to end all of this. I was shocked for the 1st 3 days i begged her for another chance, i cried i did all the silly things, but nothing works all the answer i could get is there’s nothing you can do i (ex girlfriend) totally lost feeling towards you and nothing can be done, please dont force me and she just wanted to be friend. and i decided to take a break thinking maybe she just needed sometime to calm her mind. in between we still text, Facebook, MSN and had some simple chatting about how’s our life going. Until 3 weeks later, which so happen to be her sister’s birthday and i was invited. On that day itself i tried to talk to her i told her we’re both calm now it being a while i think we need to have a talk about what happened, but she refuse she just tell me there is nothing more for us to talk about. and she said she really hope that i can move on, she dont want me to be stuck. So again i decided to back off a little until today which is 1 more week later. I maintained a NC with her and she also never text me or tried to reach me in any manner. I really felt that this is killing me, i’m really so in love with her. I am so certain that she used to love me so much and we really used to have a lot of great times and memories, we even used to talk about our future, what kind of life we would want to lead after marriage. And something to add on as well. My Ex is currently seeing another guy. actually since the 2 month i was busy this guy was always with my ex, i know he likes my ex but i trusted her at that time and i didnt say much as she do always tell me when she went out with him. But now im really certain that there is something going on with them, they being meeting out a lot a lot, and somehow even not in a relation for now there is definitely a scandal. Please help me and teach me what to do. I loved her and i wanted to be her Boyfriend again.
Hello Kthomas,
Your description of events are rather generic, don’t you agree? I hardly know about your relationship, break up, and your current situation and you are asking me to guide you through your predicament. Well anyways, no contact is a good start for most break ups, so I suppose the odds are good that you’d have to start with it as well. As far as the email is concerned, I think it’s fine to send it.
I’m not trying to be sarcastic KT, but I can’t read minds and I can only manage to send a generic reply to a generic message. Details are important and I need more of them. Good luck and goodbye.
Hi Hipoman,
It’s too bad that I couldn’t get to your message any sooner, because I fear that you might have gone to her place to console her. If you go, she may play nice with you and she may even have sex with you, but it won’t last and it won’t be real. She made it clear to you that she doesn’t want to get involved in another relationship for a while and that’s her way of saying “Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you”.
If you haven’t gone to her yet, now is not the time to be manhandled by her. If you let her play you around as her personal ego booster, then that’s all you’ll ever be to her. You have got to have a little more self-respect than that buddy and I really hope you haven’t gone to her. Console her over the phone, that is more than enough and if she doesn’t want that, then she’ll just have to find another man to walk all over. You either get her back the right way or you don’t get her back at all Hipoman.
I need help. Okay so I’ve been dating this girl for ten months and everything was going good until the last two months, we fought alot and she broke up with me the week before the graduation because of the fighting. At first I tried begging her to come back to me and other stuff which I recently learned was the wrong way for me to approach the situation. But not only does she want me to be friends with her but she’s stated two days ago that she was in love with another bf she was with for more than a year who she stated she didn’t love till after the last two months. I really love her and I want to get her back, please help me
Hello Rob,
The most likely scenario that has unfolded here is that she got bored of you after 2+ years of being in the same relationship. She was probably attracted to her friend for some time, but she did the right thing of breaking up with you before starting things out with the new guy. People care about what others think of them and she probably gave herself a month before she started seeing the new guy.
There are couple of reasons why she might have contacted you, but don’t get your hopes up too high, it’s nothing that will get you guys back right now. The first reason could be that the new guy didn’t turn out to be the guy she thought he was. Relationships are very exciting the first couple of months, but it settles down after the initial honeymoon phase and coming out of a long-term relationship, she probably hoped for a little more fun. It may be that three weeks was enough for her to realize that there was nothing special about what she has with the new guy.
The second reason why she might have contacted you is probably because she’s figured out that she hasn’t fully moved on from you, even though she was the one who ended the relationship. Women do this a lot… and men fall for all the time. She’s just trying to use you as her emotional clutch until she gets over you and she will ditch you once you have served your purpose.
So what does this all mean? It means that the 2+ years of relationship meant a lot more to her than she had originally thought. Is she in a rebound? Most likely not, she probably liked the guy for a while. Does she still have feelings for you? I wouldn’t put it so strongly, but there is a shot there that she might develop some feelings for you again. Do you have a chance? Yes you do. Should you let her initiate the convos? You should not.
Respond to her calls by texting her back with a simple apology for not being able to take the call. Tell her you were busy or that your phone ran out of battery, it doesn’t matter what and just make it simple. The thing with your type of situation is, she wants you back but not as her boyfriend and just enough to hang out with you and get what she needs from you, but she doesn’t want you enough to take you back. So if you hang out with her or make yourself available to her at all times, then she doesn’t need to commit to you in any way and she could use you and dump you.
Hang out with your buddies or even date new women if you want to. Don’t let her use you as her emotional clutch and you should just live your life as usual. But don’t try to make your ex jealous or anything, it will most likely backfire and you’ll end up looking silly. There are time and place for everything and your situation doesn’t require going that deep into the playbook.
Put her in the “things to do if I have some free time” section in your brain and just live your life as you would normally. Don’t give her the pleasure of seeing you or talking to you, unless she makes it clear that she wants to speak to you about getting back. She needs you right now, but not enough to break up with her new boyfriend and come back to you. The friendship she talks about is a bullshit and it’s a trap. Don’t fall for it and you might just have a shot, or you could be friends with her and slowly fade away in her mind, until she leaves you high and dry.
That’s my two cents Rob, you know where to find me if you wish to talk more. Bye for now.
hey coach,
Thanks you for the advise. A lot of what you said really makes sense. What I’m gathering is that I just need to give both her and myself space. It seems like I just need to let her new relationship pan out and go from there. Perhaps I’m just being the jealous ex-bf but I really just don’t see what she sees in this guy. I get he is infatuated with her and that it is more “convenient” bc he is friends with a lot of her friends, but she seems to have picked the first guy who came along. The guys boring, unmotivated, and rude to her family. I mean this girl was overly in love with me. She used to cry all the time bc she thought she loved me more then I loved her. That’s the only reason I thought it was a rebound… how can you love someone so much, then just, in some many words, find something better right away? I guess I’m just reading the signals wrong. She texted me on fathers day saying to tell my dad happy fd knowing full well I probably wouldn’t tell him. Or on my birthday we texted for like an hour. And the day after she asked how my night went. Just seems like she’s looking for excuses to text me… It’s text like those that I don’t understand. Should I just not respond to them?
PS. I haven’t taken her up on her offer to meet up yet. I don’t think I’m ready and from what you said, I shouldn’t right now anyways. And again thank you.
hey coach,
sorry to respond again, but I kinda took some time to let everything sink in. I only have a couple quick questions. 1st, is the one from my previous post, what do i say when she sends me those random text? (or do i just ignore them, then respond some time later saying, sorry, wasnt near my phone). 2nd, how do i tell her i dont want to be friends yet still remain on good terms, but if she wants to get back together, id be willing to try that? from what ive gathered from other advise, you need to be their friend in a way so they can see how you’ve bettered yourself and they can regain an attraction for you. I completely agree that if we are just friends and talk all the time, she will get what she needs and get over me then ditch the friendship. i am just unsure of what im supposed to do NOW… If i want a chance of getting her back (which i know would be probably be no time in the near future), what do i need to do…? I know i cant be with her right now, and maybe ill start enjoying my new single life, but this is the girl i can honestly say i want marry and have kids with. we always used to say we met each other too soon in life(we’re both in college). again, thank you and sorry for hogging the comment wall, i just need to know what steps i should take now if i can hope for some kind of future with her.
Hi Coach.
I see you keep on helping lots of people, so kudos for you and thanks for this great act of giving.
Real quick status, not sure if you remember my case. But it turns out that she started in a job a few blocks away from mine. Although I have been going out with other girls, I am still not completely over her. Today I saw her walking by, and my legs shake. Haven´t contacted her at all, neither her to me, but this comes too early for me, it will be more difficult to completely forget her now there are big chances of running into each other. I guess I have to be strong to avoid that from affecting me.
Thanks Coach and keep it up!
Hello Richard,
As much as I want to believe you, I just don’t think you are telling me the entire story here. Here’s the thing, I have a friend who is a doctor and we’ve been friends since high school. I know how busy he was when he was attending medical school, but not even he was unavailable for an entire month, let alone two months. I have another friend who had two part time jobs to support himself through college and that guy never went MIA for two months either.
You told me you were busy with college and studies. Nowhere in the message had you mentioned about juggling a job as well, so it’s hard for me to believe that you had time for only texts, and you said texts once in a while. Let’s get real Richard, as busy as you could have been, there is no way you treat your girlfriend like that, unless of course you lost interest in her during that time. So let’s set something straight, she didn’t get bored of you, but rather you alienated her and so she moved on.
You should have absolutely no reason to lie to me here. First of all, you don’t know me and I don’t know you, this is done completely anonymously. Secondly, I can’t help you unless you tell me the truth. You are here because you’ve run out of options and even with your back against the wall, you are still trying to save face and that doesn’t speak well for you. Tell me the real story and I will give you my honest take on your situation. Remember, cut the bullshit out of the story and just give me the truth.
Well i did intention to call her a few times but it’s either i worked late again and she already slept, or she was out with friend, and a few times we end up arguing for small things and somehow i get kinda piss and dont really wanna talk much. In that 2 month there was once i went overnight at her house but because her parents and grandparents are all there so i didnt really talk a lot with her. But now i screw up big time. Few days ago my friend told me that he saw her picture together with him. but i couldnt see it (as i was blocked from viewing it) so i somehow a bit too rush, i log into her acc and had a look. and she notice and caught me. she send a email earlier to me today. saying she know i accessed her account, and she think that i talk bad behind her (which i really never), and she felt betrayed and dont wanna be friend with me anymore. She ask me to never text or contact her anymore. She everything is useless.
Hello Bud,
I can’t help if you don’t explain to me exactly what happened. Read the questions that are getting any meaningful response from me and you will see that those people have spent the time and made the effort to explain their situation in good detail. Tell me more about your relationship, the problems, the break up, and about what happened after the break up. Otherwise, grab a copy of the Ex Recovery System for a full tutorial on what you should be doing. Goodbye Bud.
Okay I’ll start from the beginning. Originally before I started dating her my ex girlfriend has and still is dating because she was afraid of what her mom would think about me. She said that she was dating this guy for two years, of course I asked her once why she wouldn’t dump him her response however was that she didn’t want to hurt his feelings and that she was going to dump him after graduation, but she also said the relationship between him and her was more of a friend relationship. When I started dating her everything was going great, I did anything and everything in the world for her until about four months afterwards and things got more hectic for me and her. We started fighting over alot of things like who was right about something or what to do and what not to do. One time I got real jealous of this one guy she talked to alot on yt and I went onto her inbox and found a message from the dude stating that he liked her, of course I argued with her about it and we forgave each other. Now during the first week of June she said that she had to study for her final exams and I was cool with that because she said she would call me at 8, when she didn’t call me I called her back and she was pissed,and stated i was smothering her which I will admit I was during the last two months. So after she broke up with me I did everything I could to get her back, I pleaded, showered her with gifts, and everything else that was wrong. Then four days ago she stated she was going to a date with the bf she had been with for two years, at first I said it was okay until I got super jealous and well tried to show her that I was a better guy for her, but that was wrong of me too. then on that same day I asked her how she could suddenly love him and she stated cause during the two months we fought he was there for her, even though the two didn’t talk much before. She keeps saying that we should be friends even though I don’t want to be her friend and she said once that I still hold a special place in her heart. Right now I’m doing the no contact rule and getting myself straight cause I will admit that during the time we was dating I wasn’t being myself and I feel like as if that was the main reason we fought alot and eventually broke up. I really love her alot and I need help to get her back please help me.
Hi Rob,
It’s fine to read my other answers to other commenters, but instead of trying to apply them to your own situation, just use them as a guideline. Everyone’s situation is unique and therefore the solutions to their problems are unique as well. I might tell two guys with two different problems to start with the same no contact strategy, but the reasons for it will be different, the duration might be different, and how you seal the deal might be different as well, so needless to say you shouldn’t directly apply other people’s solution to your own situation.
Just use your common sense to deal with the flood of texts she sends to you. If she texts you for an hour straight like she did on your birthday, then let her text you and maybe you can send her one reply text when she slows down with it. If she sends random texts that don’t even make sense, then just ignore them. If you reply to every single one of her texts, then all you are telling her is that she still has you by the balls. Don’t get weak and don’t let her have her way.
As for your second question, you can tell her that you don’t want to be friends with her, yet still remain in good terms just as you told me. There is no other way to say it, but just say it. However, don’t tell her that you are willing to try again if she wants to get back. That right there will weaken your position and it will take the mystery right out of the window. She’s the one who ended the relationship and she’s the one has to want to restart the relationship. Right now she feels the need for you for whatever reason or in whatever capacity, so you are essentially telling her that she either gets the whole package, or she gets none.
Ignore her as much as you can while not looking petty or still heartbroken. Let’s see how things progress with it and give it at least a couple of weeks to get to her head. Talk to you soon then. Goodbye.
Hey Coach,
Was wondering if you could give me some advice on my situation. It’s a long story so this may seem like a book but I want you to have all the info I can give you.
A bit of backstory: I met her(i’ll call her V for this first part) 7 1/2 years ago on new year’s eve. We hit it off really well and were talking to each other all night. She had a boyfriend at the time but continued to talk to me and told me that she wasn’t really interested in her boyfriend anymore. After about a month she broke up with him and we started seeing each other. I wasn’t really in the best space at this time, having just ended a 5 1/2 year relationship because of being cheated on and wasn’t really that great of a boyfriend. I ended it and gave my ex another chance but found that I couldn’t trust her and broke it off after 6 months. While I was back with my previous ex I also kept in touch with V and cheated with her.
After ending things with previous ex I decided to stay single for a while. Over the next 6 years V and I were in contact sporatically. I would call her out of the blue or she would call me. Usually for her it was when whatever relationship she was in was ending. We never started seeing each other again during these periods even though I attempted to reestablish a relationship a couple of times.
About a year ago we reconnected again and were talking on a regular basis. She was once again ending things with a relationship she was in. This time however we didn’t stop talking again after a little while. We hung out more and more, were sleeping together, going out on dates. Then one night she told me she had to talk to me and told me that she was having feelings for me again and asked it I was too. I told her that I wouldn’t go out with her again because she had told me that she had cheated on most of her boyfriends and I didn’t want that to happen to me. She was upset and left. After a couple of days I called her and asked if we could talk and she accepted. She told me that she would never do that to me and I told her that I cared about her but that we should just keep it casual and be more of a friends with benefits type of thing. She agreed to this and we went back to hanging out regularly.
Over next 8 months we talked all the time and did things together. She asked me questions about how many children I wanted, if I wanted to get married in a church, what things I liked about her, things she liked about me, etc. She told me that when we first went out she fell in love with me and told her friends that if I asked her to marry me she would say yes. She also said that after I broke up with her she was hurt for a long time. Both of us were in NYC at the same time and ended up staying together and walking around the city. By this point I had realized that I wanted to be with her and asked her out. She said she thought we should just continue with what we were doing and I went along with it, asking again a couple of times and getting the same response. Then one night we were laying in bed together and she said “Have you ever felt like you could just say it (I assume she was talking about I love you)?” Sidenote: Previously she had told me that she doesn’t fall in love and wouldn’t. I answered yes, then she said “Do you want us to be together?” and I said yes again. Then she said “I don’t know” and sighed. That conversation ended there.
Then things changed. She started pulling away from me, not answering calls or texts, going out with her friends more often, acting like she was a 21 year old. Then we would hang out and she would ask me personal questions and talk about relationship stuff. She also started nagging me about stuff like my clothes and car a lot. After about a month of this I pressed her and asked her what was going on and why she was acting like this and pulling away. She said that she felt like she needed to date other people and was more open to guys hitting on her and asking her out but that she hadn’t said yes to anyone. She also told me I wasn’t an Alpha male and lacked confidence. This upset me of course and I ended up looking through her phone one night. There were a lot of flirtatious texts with a couple of guys and some sexual ones. I woke her up and told her I had to take her home and that I saw the texts. She flipped out and said she would never talk to me again for not trusting her, I apologized for looking through her phone and dropped her off, crying while we said goodbye.
A week or so later she called me and wanted to “talk”. Really she just came over to sleep with me again. I told her that I was more confident now and that she would see it if she wanted to. So we started talking and hanging out on a regular basis again, with me telling her that I wouldn’t buy her dinner and other things like before because we weren’t dating. I told her that if she wanted to date that would be great but I would not share her with anyone else. I stupidly did end up paying for meals for her and taking her places on a regular basis, basically doing whatever she wanted to do. Then there was another week where we hung out every day and talked, with her again asking me relationship questions, nagging me about things, telling me ways to impress her or turn her on. Then one night she asked me what I would say if she asked me out and I told her I knew what I would would say but she wouldn’t find out unless she asked. I asked her what she would say if I asked her out and she said that she would say that she needed to think about it. Then a couple of days later her phone must haved dialed me from her pocket while she was at work (I could hear the noises and talking in the background) and tried to call her back but got no answer. I then kept drinking(this was a Saturday night) and when I woke up the next day and looked at my phone history found I had apparently called her 5 times and texted a couple. She called me and apologized for not calling me but her phone had died.
Then she told me that she had gone out after work with co-workers and that there were guys hitting on her even though she was a mess. I didn’t reply to this and she got mad and asked me if that bothered me and if it did that was a problem. Then she said that she still had been talking to a couple of guys and met them at the bar for drinks and they were friends. I said I didn’t have a problem with her having male friends but I had a problem with not having any kind of assurance that she wanted to be with me. She said that she didn’t want any commitment and asked if I could just be friends with her and hook up sometimes. I said no. Then she said that I shouldn’t talk to her anymore and to delete her number because she didn’t want to hurt me and was worried she would if she ended up seeing someone in a couple months. I told her that she was an asshole and that she would never find anyone better than me. She said that she wanted me to be happy and that I could call her if I ever needed anything. I just said “Whatever, good luck” and hung up on her. A couple minutes later I realized she had a couple of my things and tried to call her and she wouldn’t answer. So I texted her and said I would come and get them and she texted back that she wasn’t home but would put them in the mailbox when she got home. My car broke down that night and I wasn’t able to get them. The next day she texted asking when I was coming to get the stuff and I said that I would have to figure it out later because I had to deal with the car. She said she would answer when I called.
Then after a couple days of being miserable I got a program and went on NC. I got a handle on my emotions and learned about the things that I had done that pushed her away and underlying problems she had. I also started working on things for me, to improve my own self image and outlook. Was on 12 days NC and called her for Initial Contact. Told her I understood that she didn’t want to commit to anything and that I also understood that there were things that I did that probably pushed her from wanting to commit and that I had learned from this so that I can move on and not make the same mistake. Told her I wanted to be happy, that I have a lot going on, am moving on with my life, would love to chat with her possibly in the future, but she needed space and to call me if she wanted to talk. She then kept me on the phone, saying that she was just taking things one day at a time. She also said that we had been through this before and that she was worried that I would end up hurt. I told her I understood but that doesn’t matter anymore and reiterated that I knew she needed space. I then told her I had things to do and she asked what she was supposed to do, could she text me, call me? I said whatever, that she needed space again, this time a little more forcefully, and to call if she wanted to talk. I have to say it was a relief getting that over with and saying I’m moving on.
After a little over a month of no contact we talked again and went out for coffee to catch up. We talked for a while about things that have been going on in each others lives. She is stressing about tests that she has to take and because she failed one she needs to pass and I just gave her general advice and told her that she’ll be fine once she’s ready to really get past them. When I would ask her what she’s been doing for fun she would just say “oh, hanging out” and sounded scared to say so I just asked her if she was seeing anyone. She asked if I was going to be weird about it and not like it and I said no, whatever. She told me that there is a guy she’s been hanging out with who is looking to go out with her and said she isn’t sure what to do and doesn’t like the pressure. She also said she can’t see herself being with him for long. I just listened and stayed cool and said it’s tough to do something like that if you don’t see yourself staying with them. We sat at a couple of benches along the way and she was always turned towards me, smiling, and looking right at me. There was some flirting back and forth and she would giggle. I think I did a good job of just being cool throughout. Other than that she asked me if I was seeing anyone and I told her that there have been girls that I’ve talked to but wasn’t really interested in seeing. She asked me when I want to have kids, which seemed a little weird to me. She’s asked me these things before and I just teased her and said “What’s that, are you trying to get me thinking about something?” with a smirk. She told me at the end that she had a lot of fun and that we should get together again soon.
I went away on a family vacation a week later and while I was away I talked to my ex a few times. She told me that she wasn’t really thinking and told this other guy that she will go out with him and was looking for advice from me. She asked if we were friends and I told her that we have never been just friends. Then she asked me where I was at with her and I and I said that I didn’t know and that we had both done things wrong before but that I was open to seeing if her and I still had something. I reiterated that I knew the mistakes I had made and that I have learned from it and moved on so I don’t do the same things again. Then she called and texted a few more times during the week but was always busy or her phone was dying so it was never anything more than a minute or two.
Then I talked to her after I got back and she said that she wasn’t able to get back to me because of where she was (with the new boyfriend). I said that I didn’t think she still would be since she didn’t seem into it last week and she said that she has her doubts and that it could turn into another relationship like an old one (a guy she went out with for 3 years). She told me she’s known him for about 7 years or so and was telling me what he does and I stopped her and told her I didn’t need to know that stuff. She said we could get together this week and talk but if I didn’t want to talk to her anymore she understands. The next day she called me and said she was freaked out about what happened last night (me stopping her from telling me stuff about the guy) and wanted to just talk on the phone. There was a lot of back and forth, with her being more confrontational and angry. I just stayed calm and asked her if she was going to pursue this relationship and she hesitated and said that she’s going to keep seeing him for now. I asked her where she was at as far as us and she said that she can’t see going out with me again at this point because she doesn’t think that I can give her what she needs. She also said that since it’s only been 2 months I couldn’t have changed. I said that I have started to for myself and that she never told me about this when we were together so I had no way of knowing. I told her that I could give her what she needs (Which I believe I was doing for the most part before but I think she’s thinking of what she wants). I also said that part of a relationship is growing as people together too and working on being better both for yourself and for your partner. Then she said that it would just end up being the same as it was before, with me getting pissed at her for telling me what she wanted. I said that it wasn’t her telling me what she wanted that made me angry, it was that she was nagging constantly and could have gone about it in a nicer way. I said that that is something that I had told her before and that I knew that she wanted to change that about herself. She went quiet for a little bit and said yeah. At the end she asked where that left us and I said “I don’t know.” Then she asked if I wanted her to call me anymore or to call her if I wanted. I said “Why don’t you take some time and think about what I said and maybe try and think of the things you appreciate about me instead of just the negative.” She said ok and that she would call me tomorrow or the next day. At that point I just wanted to get off the phone so I said that’s cool.
I know that she isn’t going to end things with this other guy at this point and still has negative thoughts about me so is it best for me to just go back to no contact and start moving on? I love her and am asshole enough to admit that I don’t want her seeing someone else but I’m not sure what the best thing to do at this point is. I know it will take patience on my part to wait it out until things with this guy are over but I won’t be her doormat or guy on the side. Is it too late to go back to no contact? She just called me a bit ago and I didn’t answer it.
I appreciate any advice you can give me and sorry for writing such a long post.
Hey Fono,
I sure remember you and I’m glad you came back to keep me up to date with your situation. Stay strong buddy, you’ve been doing so well for months, it will be a real shame if you threw all your efforts to move on because of this latest incident. You haven’t seen her in a while and it’s only normal to feel the way you have felt when you saw her the other day. Don’t let it get to you and start dating some other girls. You know she’s not right for you or anyone else for that matter. You deserve better Fono, you got that? Take good care of yourself buddy, bye for now.
Hello again Richard,
I’m afraid we are not understanding each other and I think it’s best that you look for help elsewhere. Good luck.
Coach. It’s been almost 2 months since we last spoke. I tried very hard working on myself n now I accept you can have friends of the opposite sex even when you are in a relationship. I stopped calling my ex gf because about 3 weeks ago she started to ignore my calls even more than before. She does reply to my text still but they are short n uncaring. I don’t know how I to make you believe you but I really have worked very hard to not be so narrow minded n selfish. Me n my friends we speak a lot about girls n gfs in general n now whenver my friends are unaccepting of their gfs having male friends I tell them they are wrong. I believe it too n I do know now that I was very selfish. I’m not over my ex gf n I still love her more than ever. I am willing to wait n do anything that is required to get her back. I just can’t give up before giving it a real try coach n I would be very thankful if you can guide me through it. I don’t know else to ask you n I hope you will have a change of heart about helping me now that I have changed too. I will wait for your response. Thank you coach.
Hi there Coach,
I’m hoping you can provide me with some advice regarding a recent break-up with my long distance ex-girlfriend. I’m 30 years old and she is 27. I live in Ireland and she lives in London so about 150 miles apart. We had met last December while she was staying at her aunts in my home town for the Christmas hols. Pretty quickly we had hit things off and during her two week stay we went on quite a few dates with new years day being quite memorable for us both. When she returned home we had already decided to keep in touch and chatted about the possibility of me coming to visit her in London. So before long we had found ourselves in a LDR…each weekend we spent with each other (every 3 to 4 weeks) we enjoyed every moment spent with each other discovering new things and the sex was always intense and passionate. She spent her birthday staying with me and again it turned out to be a wonderful time for us both.
During this period I had discovered that my ex girlfriend had a history of bad relationships since she was 18 years old….some abusive and generally just falling in with the wrong guys which she termed as “bastards”. Her mother and father had split up a long time ago and she really only keeps in touch with her mother now who lives in a different city to her. She confided a lot of personal things to me regarding her family history problems and problems with ex-boyfriends. During our time together initially she was receiving abusive texts and calls from her ex-boyfriend which she seemed very annoyed at. She told me on different occassions that she felt very lucky to have found a great genuine guy like me after all the crap she had been through and that I was the first guy in many years that she actually wanted to introduce to her mum.
Both of us found the distance element tough but she was having a tougher time with it wanting me to be with her on occassions when it wasn’t possible and knowing that we had to wait until our next meeting. We had talked about the possible future in doing things together like planning a holiday and in relocatiing so we could maybe be together.
Back in April she had booked flights to come and stay a weekend with me around the start of May. She had seemed really happy about it and we chatted about the things that we could do together when she came over. Everything seemed fine on the phone and then 5 days after booking her flights she calls me to break things off with me. This came as a shock to me and I was trying to make sense of the reasons she was throwing at me over the phone….but her main reason was that she didn’t want to end up being horrible to me because she felt she didn’t really care about us anymore. She decided to still make the trip over and stay with her cousin/aunts in my home town which mades things all the more tougher for me.
Between the two weeks of her break up call and her trip over I didn’t initiate any contact which resulted in her sending me a dry text a week after the break-up hoping that I was ok and having a lovely Easter. I sent something similar back at a later stage and left it at that. When she finally arrived for her visit she didn’t try to contact me even though she knew I would be in the same town that weekend. Her cousin had told me that I should just contact her properly and don’t play any games…So I called her properly and we chatted a little bit and decided to chat later that night while she was out with her cousin. It turned out that she tought I was trying to conspire something with her cousin in getting us to meet up, which was absolutely not the case! About half an hour before we met up one of her close friends grabbed me by the arm and told me that my ex girlfriend had found a new man back home. Her friend was quite emotional in telling me this because she thought I was a really great guy for her and she knew she was going to hurt like hell for me. At that point I really did feel like a human door mate times one hundred. I know it was a stupid thing to do but my emotions had been running so high now that I had to confront my ex. When we did meet up the conversation was a mixture of anger, flirting and emotion for both of us. She told me that we had nothing in common with each other(we enjoyed every moment together – sports, jogging, site seeing, movies, long walks, cooking, even both having jobs in which we help people – her words!), that for us to work was a couple we needed to be friends for a period of time before dating – how are people supposed to meet and date then in the first place? In our case with the distance this would have been impossible! She said that she was quite shocked that I didn’t try to contact her after the break-up call and had assumed that I had moved on with things! – don’t know why she thought this when she knew how upset i was during the break up call…and to say this when she had met a new guy! She then became almost arrogant towards me saying that I wouldn’t be able to handle her and that she would be too much hard work for me even putting her hand up infront of my face. I asked her why did she ask me if we should consider moving away to Canada only a matter of weeks ago and why she kept singing my praises to all her friends and family….she then went quiet and turned away slightly becase she knew she couldn’t answer me….she basically flipped everything positive we had and managed some how to turn it into a negative. Eventually I asked if there was someone else and she said yes. She said that their feelings had been growing for each other which kinda tells me that she either had him waiting in the wings or had already been seeing him. I couldn’t understand how something like that could happen so quickly. She said that she may end up regreting making this decision down the line.
We chatted the next day on the phone when tempers had calmed and I told her she can’t treat me like a push over by saying the things that she did the previous night – as if to almost say these things to make me feel hurt and angry.
I don’t know what to think now. Its been 6 weeks with no contact now and the last thing she texted me was that it was the distance keeping us from going anywhere and that we had such a great time in trying. I won’t really know if she was cheating on me or if her new guy is a rebound. It hurts a lot to know that she thought I was the one for her and then to be replaced quickly to thinking about her in bed with another guy. Last week her friend asked me if I had contacted her and I said no and that apparently my Ex is now in love with her new guy…well that didn’t take long!
The last thing my ex knows about me is that I’ve been offered to go work close to where she lives…we had chatted about this during her visit and she said something about me coming back to her if I did happen to relocate to the new job. I haven’t decided about the new job and I made her aware at the time that I wouldn’t be moving just for her especially after being told that she had a new guy…that I have goals and ambitions also. I have even started dating other women in my home town but I still think about her a lot….I know I shouldn’t be and most people will tell me to move on and forget about her after the turn of events. I get all that!
I would appreciate any advice you have coach…people are telling me its a rebound thing with her new guy. Should I just keep with the no contact? I really did want things to work between us and still would like for that to happen one day. I know its only a matter of time till we bump into each other again since she visits my home town every 3 months and on hols.
Apologies for the long rambling post.
Andy.
Hi Coach,
It is me again. Well I just wanted to drop by and hopefully relief my worries on here.
Well its been like 4 months since we broke up and a month since I last communicated with “the girl who could have nearly ruined my life” lol. I do not want to say “my ex”, because that sounds so stupid to qualify ex with my.
Anyway, I have been feeling down, havent really got her off my mind. I do not know if it is excalated by the fact that I haven’t met anybody that has caught my fancy or that has responded to my advances.
Well I am sticking to my guns, but I feel so bad and sometimes I even go into questioning myself if I didn’t show this girl enough love or what. Well the last time we spoke about this about 2 months ago, I had asked if there was anything that I didnt do to show that I loved her and she tearfully said no.
Another girl I have been involved with lately even encouraged me to try and call her and talk it over with one last time. I told her that will never happen.
But coach, it feels terrible to be alone and to know that some guy had no respect for you, is having sex with your ex and that your ex did participate in a plot against you all in the name of religion.
And lol, the other day I really got unsettled when a friend told me he heard from another friend of the girl that they two are planning to get married as soon as possible. I didn’t do anything, I just called my little sister to talk it over with lol.
I will be fine. I just wanted to let it out!
By the way, the coffee girl: She went incommunicado, after I sent her three emails to the email address she gave me. I do not know why, she even said keep in touch. Well I can’t chase her, she is already not in the same country so I guess we both really have to want it if we were going to make any headway.
Thank you,
Cal.
Ok well to keep you updated on what is going on. Well me and my ex have been talking like everyday and she has been flirting with me. We hungout a few days ago and felt lie we were dating all over again. That was a great day for the both of us. She wanted me to kiss her so I did. She said it felt good and she loves hanging out with me. Well the next day she is actin weird and I find out she had been hanging out with many other guys also. I ask her to hangout and she says maybe. Well today she comes to me and tells me she’s having a bad day. I ask what is wrong and she said guys are dumb. I guess her and this other guy made plans and he called it off and she got upset about it. Now I’m heart broken again. I think I should stop caring and make her miss me. I’m not gonna ask her to hangout anymore I’m done asking that cause everytime I do she says I’m busy. Do you think this Is a good idea? She has like guys lined up to hangout with and she making me like last on her list. I want to be first but she’s hanging out with all these other guys while all I do is want to hangout with her.Shea saying one thing to me but then is doing something totally different. I really don’t know what to do about this. Im so confused by what she is doing and telling me. I want to be with her still and stuff and she knows that but she keeps playing with me. It’s like she wants me around bit doesn’t want to date me yet and wants to play the field. I really need help to what to do with this. Thanks
Hello Bud,
You have to have more self-respect than that. You can’t allow yourself to get involved with a woman who openly tells you that she’s going to continue her existing relationship while she cheats on her boyfriend with you. It’s one thing to seduce a woman who has a boyfriend, but to allow her to use you as her boytoy, I’m very sorry to say this but that is beyond pathetic. I know love can make people do some stupid things, but it’s time for you to stop this and do right by yourself.
Stick around if you want her back, chances are pretty good that she will come back to you again as soon as she gets tired again with the other guy. But is this all you want to be to the woman you love? Would a woman who really loved you done what she done to you? If there is any dignity left in you, then you know what must be done and it should have been done yesterday. I’m sorry to preach Bud, but it’s the truth brother. I hope you’ll do the right thing. Take care.
Hey Coach, i just wanted to ask, is it possible to get back a girl you had been in an online relationship with?. After she has found a boyfriend in her real life?. OOPS.
Hey coach thanks for the advice, but I have to say she isn’t a bad woman she just has problems. Like the only reason i forgot to mention she hasn’t dumped her other bf is because she’s scared of what her mom would think of me. I told like a couple times to just dump the guy and let her mom know about me, but she refused to do that, every single time her mom asked her who she was talking to she would say it was her friend, which confused me every time she said it. I mean she has a great personality and I’m not saying this cause I love her or anything and I want to be with her, but I don’t want to be friends with her and be her lapdog or boytoy anymore, so right now I’m doing no contact I think it;s working cause three days ago she called me I ignored it and she left me a message wondering if I was dating someone else or anything. I could tell by the tone of her voice and how she spoke that she was not only getting jealous, but regretting a little about the break-up. She hasn’t tried to contact me since, but i don’t care since I’ve found stuff to do to keep her off my mind. But yeah also when you say “stick around” do you mean I should talk to her and act like her friend? Just wondering
Hello Brian,
Thanks for the long and well-thought out message. I would also like to apologize to you for my late reply. I was on a short trip and I didn’t really have the time to reply to any messages. You have my apologies. OK, now that we got that out of the way, let’s talk about your situation.
I don’t understand why you think you are being an asshole for not wanting to share the woman you love with anyone else. This woman got your mind so twisted, that now you are thinking exactly the way she wants you to. Your ex girlfriend is not the type that will settle down anytime soon. She’s been doing this a while and she’s got her craft figured out. She knows exactly what to say and what to do in order to string her men along without allowing things to get too serious.
I would also add that your relationship started on the wrong foot. Both of you were romantically involved with your respective partners when you guys started to flirt with one another. V eventually broke up with her boyfriend, but you cheated on your girlfriend to be with V. It’s a little foolish to expect honesty or trust from a relationship that was born out of infidelity and deception. I’m not trying to preach you about some high moral values, but I will tell you this, karma is a bitch and it ain’t got nothin’ to do with religion or moral values. When we do shitty things, it has a way of coming back to bite us in the ass.
I understand that your ex girlfriend cheated on you and that you eventually broke it off with her because you couldn’t trust her anymore, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to cheat on her as well. I don’t know if V knew about all of this, but I suspect she did, then it makes things even worse for you guys. There were just too many lies and your relationship with her was too disingenuous to expect anything meaningful to come out of it. Friends with benefit is a fake relationship, you are not friends but then you are not lovers either, prolong it long enough and that relationship has no chance to become a meaningful one.
She spoke about children and in a subtle way insinuated that somehow she wanted to have one with you. She also spoke about marriage and how she would have married you had you asked her early on in the relationship. Then of course the talk you guys had in NYC when she said “Have you ever felt like you could just say it”. Also the alpha male thing she talked about, I mean you got no chance against this woman. She is highly manipulative and she’s really good at what she does. You don’t have to be naïve to fall for someone like her, but I do find it surprising that you put up with her for so long.
Look, this is a woman who says she doesn’t want to see you get hurt, but she continually used you to get her way with you. She openly tells you that she wants a man who is more open to her flirting and other men hitting on her. I mean, she might as well tell you that she wants to castrate you. I’m not your enemy Brian, so understand that I’m not trying to offend you, but the reality is that she has you wrapped around her fingers and you are not able to think rationally because you are so love with this woman. Trust me when I say this, she’s got many Brians catering to her needs and you’d be mistaken if you believe you and the new boyfriend are the only men in her life.
Between the breaks, the fights, and at times because of the distance, it’s easy for someone as “talented” as her to manage several relationships at once. She’s not the type that will ever be satisfied with one man and she would go out and find another man even if she had a Brat Pitt waiting at home. No contact, NC letter, the friendship approach, or whatever else you have in mind, they won’t work on her. She’s got you figured out and if you play games with her, she’ll win every time. This is what she does and this is who she is, you can’t win at her own game.
Forget getting her back, she’ll come back and swoop you up again in good time. Your real problem is how you will say no to her when the time comes, because this woman, she will break your heart time and time again. I seriously think you should reconsider getting back with her, but if you want her back, just be the way you have been for the past whatever years you have been with her and she will manipulate you back into her life again. That’s my two cents Brian. You know where to find me if you wish to discuss this further. Good luck and take care.
Hello HM,
Yes, it’s been quite a while since the last time you were here. I would have guessed that you would have given up on her by now, but I suppose you were really serious about doing anything to get her back. I believe you have changed your mind about having friends of the opposite sex, but I’m not so sure that you have much of a chance with your ex girlfriend anymore. You called her too much, I mean, you were still calling her just recently as three weeks ago and it’s been some four months since you guys broke up, so that means you called her for over 3 months after the break up. That’s a lot.
When you say “she started to ignore my calls even more”, I suppose you mean she’s been trying to ignore you for quite a while. You have pestered her to the point that she started to ignore you and that is a real bad sign. Look, let her be for another week or two and within that time write a letter to her. In that letter, tell her everything you have told me so far and explain to her how the break up changed you for the better. Don’t ask her to come back to you or that you still love her, this is a letter of apology and not a love letter. Mail it to her and don’t deliver it yourself. The last thing you want is to wonder around her neighborhood and be seen by her or her family. You don’t want to be pegged as the psychotic ex boyfriend.
Give her two weeks to respond to you to that letter. If she doesn’t contact you within two weeks, then that will be the sign that you will have to move on with your life without her. If she does contact you, then try to keep the conversation casual and don’t jump on the chance and try to woo her back right away, it won’t work. It’s a long shot, but it’s the only shot you have. What you do with it is up to you, but I will gladly help you along the way if there is any progress. I’ll be here if you would like to talk more. Good luck HM.
Hello Andy,
There really is no point in trying to guess what she was all about when you guys were together. It’s like you said, it could be that she had another man waiting in the wings. It could also be that she was cheating on you, but then it could be that she wasn’t involved with anyone, or maybe she was simply put off by the long distance. Whatever it might have been, you should deal with facts, not with conjectures.
I don’t necessarily think she was playing with you. Long distance relationships are very exciting at first and for people who’ve never experienced it, the drama that unfolds every time you meet again and every time you have to go back home, is enough to make them think that it is somehow more special than it actually is. I’m not saying that your relationship wasn’t special or that she wasn’t in love with you, but it could have been a rude awakening for her when the novelty wore off.
It is very difficult to maintain a long distance relationship. I personally know two couples who have been in a long distance relationship for over two years and I know for a fact that one member out of each relationships are cheating on their partner. One of them tells me that it helps him maintain his long distance relationship healthy until his girlfriend moves closer to him, but I’m not so sure his girlfriend would share the same sentiment if she knew the truth. Long d, unless you can close the distance in six months or less, it usually does not work out.
People say whatever they need to say when they break up with their partners and you shouldn’t make too much out of the hurtful things she’s told you. People often wonder how a person can be in love one day and fall out of love the next, but that’s really nothing to be surprised for. You may take your time in getting to know someone and starting a relationship with that someone, but love is something that you just feel coming in an instant, as if you always had it for that person, and there really is no warming up for it per se. Well, unfortunately falling out of love happens just as instantly.
I had another gentlemen about a month ago tell me a story of how he was such an ass to his girlfriend for a full year before she ended up dumping him. In his case, I think she would have slowly gotten tired of his acts, but her love was constant and that’s why she put up with his bs for a year, then at some point like the straw that broke the camel’s back, it all came to a crash one day and she was done with him. I think it was the long distant aspect of the relationship that weigh on your ex girlfriend’s mind the most and eventually she decided she was going to be realistic about her relationship.
You are not going to win her back unless you close the distance, but you should never make a career decision for a woman who isn’t committed to you. London should be your destination only if it is the best place to be career wise. If you move to London and if you still find yourself in love with her, then of course there is a chance that you will get her back. Look, I don’t think she’s a bad person and I think the reality of long distance relationship sort of caught her off guard.
Whatever the case, it is probably better that you try to move on from this girl, because I think your emotions could play a role in deciding your career choice and I think that is a bad idea. Getting dumped sucks and it hurts a lot, but that’s life for ya and life has its ups and downs. Love wouldn’t mean so much if it didn’t hurt so much to lose it. At the end of the day, it’s a decision you will have to make, but nevertheless this is my two cents for ya. You know where to find me if you wish to discuss this further. Good luck and goodbye.
Hey Calistus,
It’s been a while. I would have love to see you back here with better news, but nonetheless I am glad that you came back here for support. You have been making steady progress and you are still doing fine. You have been broken up with her for four months, but more than half that time were spent in trying to get her back and it’s only been a little over a month since you decided to move on with your life, so you have to cut yourself some slack.
I think you would have felt better if you were dating someone else, but it takes time to meet the right person. The coffee girl that was just bad timing and it wasn’t anything that you did. She was going back to her country and she probably thought a relationship with a man in another country was not realistic. But hey, you gave a shot and you didn’t just give up like most other guys would have. Think about it. She gave you her phone number and her email address. What woman gives out her number to a man she isn’t the least interested in?
It’s easy to fall prey into thinking about your ex girlfriend sleeping with another man, but it’s better to channel your energy into something more meaningful and worthy of your attention. She wasn’t right for you and she didn’t deserve you, we both know you are so much better without her. You’ll get through this, there will be some ups and downs along the way, but I know you’ll do just fine. We just have to find you a pretty girl
and that will kick start a new chapter in your life. So hang in there, OK?
Hey Calistus, since you have been a regular on this site for a while, I would love get your opinion on something. Would you find it more convenient and even more helpful if I had built a forum for this site? You know, instead of doing the regular Q&A on the article pages, you guys can get my advice and as well as support from one another in a more user friendly setting. A space where all of you can exchange ideas freely and talk to each other for different thoughts on your situation. Let me know, would you? I would love you get your opinion on this and everyone else who reads this message.
Anyways, I’m here if you need me buddy. You take good care of yourself and come back anytime you need a kick in the butt. Talk to you then.
Hello Hipoman,
You do the complete opposite of what I tell you to do every time and you come back to ask for help again once you realize what said were true. I’m sorry, but I don’t know how you expect me to help you when you never take my advice. I warned you of everything you told me on your last message and that is why I advised you many times to do the complete opposite of what you’ve been doing so far. I’m sorry Hipoman, but I think my time is better spent for someone who actually follows instruction. Good luck and goodbye.
coach – a forum is an excellent idea – gets my vote!
Jon