Is the thought your ex girlfriend being with another man just killing you on the inside? Even if you don’t have feelings for an ex girlfriend, learning about her dating again is unpleasant at the very least. Now, if you still have feelings for your ex, then you can multiply the unpleasantness by about a thousand fold. There is however, a way to win back your ex girlfriend from her new boyfriend. The plan is simple enough, but it will seriously test your patience to its absolute limit. If you are ready for the challenges ahead, then this plan will put you on the right track.
Phase 1 – Let go of her and the past
Avoid at all cost of being labeled a desperate ex boyfriend. There is a very fine line between that of a stalker and an ex boyfriend who just can’t let go of the past. Convince her that you have moved on and leave the past in the past where it belongs. The plan is to start something new with your ex girlfriend, because trying to fix what’s broken down beyond repair is futile. If you want her to come to back, then is only logical that you first let her go.
Phase 2 – Invest some time in yourself
Stay away from your ex girlfriend for a month or two, this is both a strategic need and an emotional need at the same time. If you can recall the first couple of months of your relationship with your ex girlfriend, then you shouldn’t have trouble figuring out that there is nothing you can do to stop her from seeing her new boyfriend at this juncture. The real relationship starts after the honeymoon period and that’s when relationships start to get tested.
There’s also the fact that you need this time to complete the phase 1 of this plan and not to mention the fact that you will have to make some major improvements on yourself. Successfully completing phase 1 will have you mentally prepared for the challenges ahead, but next you will have to make some improvements to your physical appearance. Exercise regularly, eat healthy, and start dressing up a little.
Try wearing casual clothes exclusively for one week and then try wearing formal clothes for an entire week the week after. You will notice an enormous difference in the way you carry yourself depending on the clothes you wear and more importantly people around you will notice the difference as well. By no means I am preaching you to go out and grab a new suit, for all I know your ex girlfriend hates men in suit, but I want to reinforce to you the idea that you should dress for success.
you watch this video
Keeping yourself fit will give you a huge boost in self-esteem and dressing for success will reinforce the idea of change in you, both to yourself and to others around you.
Phase 3 – Wait for your chance
Here’s the good news, no relationship is trouble free forever and your ex girlfriend’s new relationship will start to get tested on the first month or the second. This is especially true in your ex’ case because her new boyfriend is likely just a rebound guy and rebound relationships are not built to last.
If she dumps the new guy, she will inevitably start thinking about you, the last real boyfriend. But then if she’s the one who ends up getting dumped, then you are in a perfect spot to save her when she is most vulnerable.
In the event that her new relationship continues on, you will have to change your tactic and approach her under the cover of friendship. Don’t ever make the mistake of letting her know that you still have feelings for her and make it convincing enough that all you want is her friendship. If you have been away from your ex for couple of months or more, then it shouldn’t be much challenge to convince your ex that the two of you should be friends.
This friendship will stir small but persisting problems with the new boyfriend and it will be enough to subtly put yourself in between your ex girlfriend and her new man. Once you have maneuvered into this position, you won’t have to do much to break them apart.
There are many other ways to go about getting your ex girlfriend back and on this single article I can only cover so much topic. If you want to learn about all the different strategies that you can use to get your girlfriend back, then Click Here to watch this 5 minutes long video presentation and see for yourself what kind of chance you stand on winning her back.
Well I don’t feel happy being just her friend and being there when she needs me. She vary well knos I wish I had her back and she says I don’t want you back that she cannot get over the past and her new bf makes her very happy by kissing her butt. I decided to call it quits and have no contact with her other than real quick to pick up the kids. I want her to experience life without me as she thinks I was so terrible in the past that I will always be this way and I no this just isn’t true. Sure I have the option to be her friend but so what talking to her on the phone and being around her is not the same as being her bf and I cannot fake it. I feel if she can do without me her whole life completely then I did the right thing because I sure am not going to get anywhere trying to be nice to her hoping she will come back someday shes not dumb. She would want to be friends for her benefit not mine. I know 3 som years ago we broke up and she had a new bf and I told her im not going to be just your friend so until your single im going my separate way and eventually when they broke up she came back to me now she is older now and I am not sure if that will work again but I sure was much happier not having her in my life as just a friend. I mainly want her back so the boys can have the real mom and dad raise them instead of two differen’t families doing it even though she finds it very common. I was honest with you when I had my first parenting time from not seeing her a whole month and a half she was touchy and close to me physically it wasn’t until I tried to convince her to give me another chance before things started going downward. She originally hid the fact she had a bf now I know exactly who the guy is she used to talk about him when we were dating. She said she never thought about dating him until that guy broke up with his girl and started taking in interest in my ex. It is very sad to know that I won’t get what I want that to much damage has been done. I know it’s about her feelings, attraction and I have no idea how to do it except the no contact rule have her miss having me in her life that’s all I can think of. I hope the 2 min she sees me when we pass the kids back and forth is not enough time for her to get over what I am trying to accomplish. I am giving her space to find out what she wants and somehow I have to make her think im a good option when it comes to longterm I mean from going from engaged to saying I don’t ever plan on getting married is being a totally different person.
Exbackcoach I mean she broke up with me for one week.. And because of she was seeing my blog day by day, I complained her about getting close to those guys, I was jealous… And that could push her to accept him since she was also interested on him… But when they both started together, after one week they broke up… I think he isn’t her type and it was something like rebound.. If I didn’t complain her much she wouldn’t accept him either… That’s what I think..
Hey exbackcoach.. She is now in the same country and city with me.. She will go back to US after 1 month.. So in this one month can I get to be close to her??
Sorry I mean she broke up with me for one month* and she accepted him… After broke up with me the next day she started her summer session, so for that one month they both were close… And after one month they accepted to be couple and after one week being couple they broke up…
Nathan,
Regardless of whether or not one is trying to get an ex back, the best course of action is to stay as far away as possible from the ex and to take some time for yourself. Unfortunately for you, I know that this is not an option. I know that dealing with your situation has to be 10 times more difficult than your average “boyfriend-girlfriend” split. In spite of that all Nathan, you should have known that trying to win back her love was never going to be easy.
I know you are not happy with just being friends with her, but you should know that there are going to be lots of things that you do not like and don’t want to deal with until the day you get her back. This was never about instant gratification and we were supposed to jog across the finish line, not sprint. Remember what said on one my first post? I said this was going to be a “marathon”.
If you want to stop being friends with your ex girlfriend, then by all means do what you feel you must do. But I think you took this friendship thing to the extreme, by your own words you said you were too nice to her and that she wants to be friends for her own benefit. We both know that being friends doesn’t mean that you give everything and say yes to every request. It feels like you are always trying to sprint when you should be jogging and pacing yourself to the finish line.
This was never about being overly nice to her so she’d come back out of gratitude. You are in a unique situation that in which you constantly and regularly have to meet her and speak to her. This means it’s best that you keep a civil and friendly relationship with your ex for both your children and also to reach your goal to win her back some day.
Let’s go back to the first time when I replied to your question. This is what I told you and I quote myself “I believe you have to let her explore her options and let her ride this out on her own”. And this is from the second time I replied to you and I quote myself “Live your life normally as you would and date new people if the opportunity arises. Just live your life and stick around and I promise you that you’ll see small cracks where you can squeeze in and turn it into a big hole. “
My advice is still the same. Live your life for yourself and take a shot at her again when and if the opportunity should appear. I don’t mention the children because the children are first priority and that’s just a given, no need to debate on that. It’s quite obvious that the process of getting her back is just eating you up in the inside and perhaps is best that you take a step back and consider a life without her as a partner.
I know that you want to have your family back together for your children as well, but we both know a couple can’t stay together for the sake of the children only. Be open to many possibilities and don’t limit yourself to a single choice. I should have anticipated that you were still in a state of panic from the break up and looking back, maybe I should have advised you to accept the break up first.
You have to find the strength in you to get past this Nathan and as ironic as it might sound, I think it is best that you truly move on with your life without her if you ever hope to have another chance with her one day. With your state of mind right now, I don’t think you will be able to deal with the feelings that come with being “friends” with an ex.
Johny,
Don’t take this as an insult of any kind, but if I have to poke in the dark, I would guess that you and your ex girlfriend are both very young people. You are in a stage of life when small and big changes are constant and you probably enjoy that to a certain extent.
Let me ask you a question Johny. What do you expect to achieve in the month that she comes back from the US? Even if she were to go out with you again when she comes back and I will tell you right now she probably will. What do you think will happen when the month is up? I will tell you what will happen. She will go back to the US, and if she hasn’t broken up with you before she left, then she will break up with you once there.
If you want to spend that one month with her, then by all means, it’s your life. But if you think that it’s going to last… I have to be honest with you Johny, it’s not. You don’t need my advice on how to court her back once she comes back. I think you’ll be more than able to manage that and you will with ease.
I’m running out of things to tell you Johny. Best of luck to you my young friend.
LOL.. Thanks you so much for your advice… Hmm next 3 months I am going to US.. My mum just told me.. And whatsoever… I will listen to you.. OK?? Thanks so much for advices… I wish when I get back with her, it won’t happen like that again..
Yes I am trully moving on dating other women and I am also only being friendly with her when I must see her like when I exchange the boys or go to their doctor appointment etc so she knows im not a mean person that I just am not gonna be there for her to talk to when shes bored or someone to hangout with as friends only. She pretty much says your forced to see me the next 18 years and that shes ok with me not being her friend and doing my own thing. I simply told her until your single I don’t want to talk to you I have my own life. She didn’t exactly seem thrilled to the idea as she said I know longer will show up at your parenting times and called me a jerk etc but she accepted it. I just know better that the guy shes with will not last longterm and shes basically wasting her time with this guy because he likes to cuddle and take her places all the time and other things. Shes not looking at the big picture which is a longterm relationship she is making up for the young years I took away from her looks like. I am doing ok now but I am very curious how she will go about contacting me when she does become single or if she will just find a rebound bf after him. You would think since we will always live close by it would be hard for her to get rid of the baby daddy for life. I guess it is a real challenge to win a girls heart back after being so mean to her and any technique of being nice she will take it as being a kiss ass or doing it to try and win her back no matter what my motive is. Do you think no contact except for when we exchange the kids etc when she becomes single she will be more open to get to know the new me way down the road? I do beleive its the best interest to be a couple for the kids sake as long as both people put in effort to make each other happy. I didn’t do my part back then because I was selfish but I am more than willing to be that great guy I realize what I lost. I feel like im in control now instead of her telling me go find a new gf I don’t want you back but I want you to be my friend and talk to me and occasionally do things with me when I need things etc. If I did all those things and was there for her she would have no reason to need me for anything more than a friend. When I was on her myspace when I was friends half of her pictures had me in it mostly with the boys so that tells you something right there. Any new man will have to accept the fact her ex will be around for a very long time and will be taking care of the kids half the time so they can’t expect to have a life of their own. They will also have to accept no more children as she does not want anymore. At this moment she has her mothers help with the kids quite a bit so she has time to go out with her bf if not I highly doubt they would be together today. She has not had full responsibility of the kids when dads not around she is getting off easy. She don’t beleive in child care ether. It’s like shes trying to prove to me she can find someone and be happy because I use to tell her no one would want to take her and her kids on longterm that only I would take on the responsiblity. The balls in her court I guess but she should be scared of me actually moving on for good that means she will lose her backup and most women want that security am I right?
I have a question and it actually has nothing to do with my ex. I was interested in a girl at my work she has a bf of course but she frequently would discuss that they have been problems lately and that she was even threatened that he would break up with her if she got a tattoo she really wanted. Of course since she would flirt with me a lot joke with me touch me etc etc I naturally told her she could do better. I got brave one day and told her to put her number into my phone and surprisingly she gave it to me. I know she still has it because she sends me texts from time time usually on topics about work. On some text messages I let her know that if she was single I would def take her out that it was a shame and she was like well we can be friends right. I said of course we can be friends silly in a playful vibe text. I didn’t fight it or get mad or act like it bothered me that she wasn’t instantly dropping her bf of 4 years and hanging out with me. I decided to let her go and do my own thing since it sounded like I wasn’t going to go anywhere with her until a week later when we worked together again. Well this time she was extra flirty playfully trying to trip me several times , playfully shoving me , smiling all the time and asking me for help with work. When I would help her with the computer entering food orders are arms were touching each other for a good 20 seconds at least I never wanted it to stop personally lol. Anyways this girl is driving me crazy inside I have no clue how to advance because like before I think she would reject me if I asked her to hangout even as friends. What should I do since I know she must be attracted to me and interested is there anything I can do over time to actually get a date with her and advance things? What is she trying to accomplish with what shes doing to me? I really am curious as to what you think.
Hello Nathan,
You wanted my opinion on two different matters, so let’s go about discussing the situation with your ex first. Even though we are behind a firewall using nicknames for our anonymity, it isn’t always easy to be honest of ourselves. Because of that, I would like to thank you for telling me even the things that were unfavorable to you. Most questions posted here are often very lacking in details and at times bias. It was refreshing to get an honest take about one self and I would like to thank you for that.
Now that we got that out of the day, you are right about the difficulty in patching up a relationship on which one party was particularly mean or selfish. You were together with your ex girlfriend for 6 years and by your own admission you were very mean to her while the relationship had lasted. I’m not saying she broke up with you for that reason alone, but if it took 6 years for her to say enough, then you have to assume that it would take quite a long time for her to completely heal from the hurt you may have inflicted on her and for her to start trusting you again. I’ve said it from day one, the history between the two of you is too long and complex for some magic bullet to exist in fixing your relationship.
I do believe that she is wasting her time with the new boyfriend. He is probably a mistake, but even so, it’s a mistake she chose to make. It’s part of growing up and if you think about it, we never stop to mature even till our last breath. There is a history of 6 years, two precious kids, and the emotional baggage that comes with breaking up a family. This is something that she has to figure out on her own, but you have to make sure you stay out of the way so you don’t hurt yourself too badly standing in her way, but most importantly so she figures things out on her own. For that, I am very glad that you are trying very hard to get over your break up.
Moving on to the next discussion and this one about the girl you seem to be interested in. It’s very tricky to answer this question since she’s currently in a relationship and you might end up hurting another man in order to have her. But that’s just the nature of things, so we’ll just accept the good and bad.
It really doesn’t take a genius to figure out that she’s attracted to you, but it does take quite a bit of guessing game to figure out how far she’s willing to take it. With that said, even the natural flirts (or sluts as some might call them) don’t flirt with just anyone. There has to be some sort of attraction for a person to want to flirt with another. However, you’ll never know what she wants with you or how far she’s willing to take her flirtation, unless you give her an opportunity to take the next step.
When it comes to dating or courting a woman in this case, it’s always better to take the active and enthusiastic approach. 9 out of 10 times the guys who take the “safe” path never get the girl. You can easily take her out as a friend or as a co-worker to a lunch or breakfast over the weekend. If you drag this on, soon enough she’ll stop flirting and you’ll just be another guy that “could have been” in her book.
Do one thing at a time Nathan, first have lunch with her as a friend and see how much more you can learn about her. You can plan your next move after that and if you do well on your first meet, you might actually do a lot more than just learn more about her. Forget about trying to guess how she might think of you or if she wants to go out with you. Simply have a meal with her and you’ll know exactly what to do next.
Hello Johny,
It was my pleasure exchanging opinions with you and if I had helped in any way, I am more than pleased to have done so. I can tell that you are definitely a very nice guy and even though I may have had some tough words for you, I do understand how hard loving someone can be. I wish you only the best of luck from here on Johny, take care of yourself.
From my expertise I know shes not willing to give up on her relationship with her bf just by her responses via text message. Although in this case I really am more attractive than her current bf 4 years she has been with this guy and that would be quite a lot to give up for no reason. The reason I thought I had a chance with her at one point is she would discuss some problems she had with him and one in particular about him threatning to break up with her over a tattoo. I beleive she flirts with me not just because shes attracted to me I beleive she wants to feel good about herself as she may be lacking appreciation from her man. I know this was the case with my ex I made her feel like a nobody and as soon as she would go to school or work all the men would tell her how beautiful she was and she would tell me about it. It’s just how life is I guess if you don’t do your job and make your gf or wife feel great about themselves than you can bet there gonna try to find it somewhere else. If this relationship was to end for some reason with this guy then I do beleive she would accept my offer to go out to eat somewhere or a movie etc etc. Right now I strongly beleive shes not open to it but flirting at work. I do think she overdoes it though as she isn’t doing it casually shes being overly flirty and i actually feel bad for her man. He is very lucky she is staying faithful because it would probably take him months to find someone to replace her if not years. Do you think shes flirting with me just because its her nature or because like I said she wants to feel good about herself?
Hello Nathan,
Now that I’m getting a clearer picture about her and her relationship to her boyfriend, I think you may be right about a lot of the things you assume about her. If she truly isn’t appreciated by her boyfriend, it is true that she could be seeking for attention and affection from elsewhere.
However, the things you know about her relationship are from her words only and the real story could always differ. Her boyfriend could be a sweet and caring guy and she could be feeding you bunch of bologna. Like making a co-worker think she’s the victim of an abusive relationship for example, when the reality is far from her words.
This brings us right back to where I left off, because it is futile trying to play the guessing game. I could give you two dozen theories as to why she might be flirting with you, but they are no better than a single fact.
She does have a boyfriend and that does make things a lot more complicated. But if you like her and you want to find out if there could be anything more than a friendship between the two of you, then you have to chance it and there is no way around it.
You don’t have to ask her out on date, there is absolutely nothing wrong about co-workers having lunch together. It is so easy to make it happen Nathan. You need to meet her in a different setting other than your place of work and you’ll get a better read of her once you take things out of the office.
Don’t try to take a guess about her intentions and don’t ask me to guess it either. The absolute best thing to do is to take care of business yourself. Making decisions based on a hunch is half-assing. Take the plunge Nathan, the worst thing that can happen is that she stops flirting with you. Good luck my friend, it is always nice to hear from you.
Thanks for the advice whats funny is yes you guessed it my ex randomly called me while I was at work. I sent her a text asking her whats up and she said not much that she wanted to talk. I told her after work I would get ahold of her and by that time her phone was dead and she was at work. So I decided since she would never know if I had called yet or not that I would call the next day and sure enough she answered. I said to her so what did you have to tell me and she was like oh nothing im fine and began talking about her finger getting jammed at work. She went on about that for a few minutes and I was like just tell me what you were planning on telling me so she said oh I was just seeing if you were still the same person or not but didn’t go into detail. I was like nope and she began talking about looking for a place to live that was based on income running errands etc. I could tell she was alone since she said I hate talking to management people at rentals and I said why don’t you have your bf or mom etc go with you and she was like he has no patience that whenever they go anywhere she rushes like a mad person to get ready. few more minutes of talking and she told me she was going inside and asked me if she wanted me to have her call back. I said no that’s alright just calling to see what you had to say see if there was anything interesting for you to tell me and there wasn’t so ya ill ttyl. From experience I new she was ether calling to demand something from me or calling because she sort of missed me a little bit and wanted to see what I was up to since I have ended almost all contact with her. I feel great because she no longer has the power over me and I don’t really want much to do with her as long as shes takin. I know shes wasting her time and I am enjoying dating other women what do you think her purpose of calling was and is it a good sign that she did. Remember I told her I would not be her friend that I didn’t want much to do with her unless she was single so why was she bothering me if shes still happy with her bf? Is she just trying to maintain a little contact so she knows that she may have her ex to fall back on? She never asked me any questions about what I have been doing lately but wanted to talk out of nowhere strange.
This is an update in addition to the last post. My plan is really being strangled as I was trying to avoid as much contact as possible with her to try and win her back someday. So anyway she calls me up and asks me if I will go to a particular park for parenting time and I agree. My ex who told me she wasn’t going to any more of my parenting times because I told her I will not be her friend guess what she shows up. She is flirty a good portion of the time and throughout the visit talks about how amazing her bf is that he takes her camping or looking at the stars and then simply says you never did it when we were together to pretty much everything while smiling at me. She also questions me about the past as to see if I have changed at all from the past. I simply told her I have do i appear to be mean or scary now and she said no. She started telling me your nice to me today and I simply said I am nice to everyone but I am not your friend. This girl don’t seem to want to leave me alone she keeps finding ways to keep in touch with me but she still has that bf and I am sure she is still happy with him. So why do you think she is asking questions about if I have changed or not and why does she compare her current man what she does with him to what I used to do with her. This girl is also very strange as she doesn’t seem to care if she goes swimming in her bra and stands there in her panties to change clothes in front of me the ex. If I were her current bf I would be upset about it but she seems to think it’s no big deal that know one can really see anything. I wanted to give my thought about it and wanted to see your opinions. My thought is she is noticing that this relationship with her bf is more than likely not going to last longterm that he more than likely will not become the new step dad for her kids. Shes noticing positive changes in me and is keeping me as an option in the future that longterm it may be best to be a family again if I accept that option when the time comes. What do you think?
Hello Nathan,
I’m sorry I couldn’t get back to you earlier, I was traveling for a few days and I barely had time to check my emails. Anyways, getting back to the topic, I think it’s safe to assume that neither one of you have truly moved on with your life. This also means that she isn’t as happy with her current boyfriend as she may lead you to believe. She’s showing erratic behavior because she’s unsure who she wants to be with. However, this isn’t the time to start courting her again, it’s way too early.
Generally speaking, it’s pretty uncommon that an ex girlfriend would freely change her underwear in front of an ex boyfriend and when a woman does such thing, there’s usually a motive behind it. Like it or not and politically correct or not, this wouldn’t be the first time a woman used her sexuality to manipulate a situation or a person, or to achieve a goal. I’m sure she’s trying to figure out your reaction to her changing her underwear as much as you are wondering why she did it.
I would advise you to keep doing what you’ve been doing so far and don’t let her know just yet that you still have feelings for her. Don’t set a timetable and just observe the changes in her when you get a chance to meet her. Her man of 6 years and the father of her two children seems to have completely moved on with his life, I don’t think it’d be absurd to think that she’d a bit upset.
She’s trying to get a reaction out you by telling you how wonderful her boyfriend is and she’s getting naked in front of you because she wants to know that she still arouses you. You are like her comfort food, only you are not letting her eat it. If you give in to any one of her little tricks, all you will do is to fill her with the confidence that she badly needs right now and she’ll go right back to her boyfriend all happy and jolly.
Just be a little more patient and try to look at your situation not as in a breakup, but rather a short vacation from a long and stale relationship that needed some freshening up. You are doing great Nathan, so just continue doing what you’ve been doing and you will get your second chance with her.
Hey thanks for all the helpful advice I wish it were all true. I got a letter in the mail it was about child support. I was planning on dealing with it on the next court date now it looks like she is changing her mind about allowing me to see the kids 3 days a week because of my past. She plans on doing everything that benefits her and she doesn’t care if it’s in the families best interest or not. from her showing up at parenting time I thought she missed me but she simply said she was bored and wanted to go swimming and the calls she wanted to see if I had changed as she would rather be friends where we communicate then be enemies she thinks its better on the kids. She tells me she has no feelings for me anymore that she lost them from what happened in the past and even though her friends and family accuse her of having feelings for me she says she has none. She is very mean on the phone and she is making life very difficult on me not caring if it affects me or the kids as long as it benefits her. She says im bipolar that im nice then go back to being mean etc. She thinks im playing games but as I told you I did the no friends thing to force her to miss me I don’t want her to benefit from my friendship as that means I would never win her back. It’s not in my best interest to try and get back with a girl who is treating me like this. In person her doing everything she did makes absolutely no sense she had no reason really to be there. If shes trying to be nice to me to get something from me it didn’t work. She did not ask anything from me though so I just am stumped. You sure shes not trying to manipulate me so she can get everything she wants from me. If she wanted me back or as an option I don’t think she would use physical force of child support and telling me shes not gonna allow the kids to be around me more than what the court authorizes. I really think she hates me and anything she does is a front. Ya know you don’t punch someone in the face and that secretly mean you really like them words are fine but when you use action I just don’t beleive it. Is this girl really that good exback coach?
My orginal post was on August 6th. Since then that girl contacted me. About a week and a half ago she sent me a text apologizing for everything that happened earlier in the summer. From there it didn’t take long for her to start bringing up the fact that she misses me, she thinks her bf is cheating on her, and that she tries to break up with him but he wont let her, blah blah blah. She is really teasing me here. She told me she was going to try and break up with him again but i havent heard anything in the last week or so. Any thoughts on what i should do?
Nathan,
Whether or not she’s worth it, is not something I can answer. Not only is your relationship more complex than most others discussed here, but I generally do not comment on the worthiness of going after someone. I believe I told you to go after her if you felt she was worth it, and from what I can remember you told me she was.
I still believe you can get her back, but sometimes the process of making that happen might not be something you want to experience. You may be better off without her, but your circumstances still requires you to keep a civil relationship with her. It is not my place to discuss the legal matters on the child support and the visiting days, but the trouble you are experiencing in those matters are even more reasons to keep a civil relationship with her. I think the more urgent matter is to settle the legal issues and maybe the relationship might have to take backseat for a while.
I can only comment from what you tell me, but it seems to me that she is very emotional right now and unfortunately she’s emotionally erratic. The best course of action is of course to reason with her, but I think you are telling me that she’s either using you, or that she can’t be reasoned with right now. I don’t know how badly things have deteriorated between the two of you, but the seriousness of the problems that we are dealing with here, really kills the whole debate about getting her back.
At this juncture, you have to make the choice Nathan and I can no longer comment on this matter. I think we’ve reached a point where I may do more harm if I continue to offer my opinion to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more of help and I could only wish you the best from here on. Good luck Nathan and please don’t hesitate to come back if you have other matters you wish to discuss.
Larry,
You seem like a reasonable guy to me, so let me ask you. Do any of the things she says or does make any sense to you? She originally stated that she couldn’t break up with her boyfriend because he made her feel “guilty”. She also said she would rather be with you, but she also proceeded to stop contacting you for over a month. Not long ago from today she contacts you again and she tells you that she misses you. She claims that she tried to break up with her boyfriend, but that he wouldn’t let her, let me repeat that, he wouldn’t let her break up with him.
My opinion on the matter is still the same Larry. I don’t believe her story and I don’t believe she is as native as you may think she is. Girls like her are trouble Larry and it’s better to stay as far away from them as possible. For me, the issue with this isn’t whether or not she’d come back to you, but is whether or not you should take her back. I really shouldn’t be telling you what to do and I hope you don’t take offense of my blunt response, but my hope is that you’ll just try to forget about her.
True, it’s hard because we do have a good connection and a lot in common. Right now I am dating other girls that im not as connected to so it’s difficult not to think of this one as my best bet. Oh well, I talked to her yesterday and told her I still have feelings for her but I don’t feel comfortable with her texting or calling me while she has a bf so I told her not to contact me unless she single because it is too much of a tease. She understood so I will have to wait and find out what is going to happen. I understand your points so I guess I will be taking a chance if we do end up getting back together. One thing is sure, I will not stop dating to wait for her and if something new comes up that is a better bet I will jump on it.
Larry,
I understand where you are coming from, I really do. Once you have that connection with a girl, it is easier said than done to give up on her. If you are enjoying dating new people, then by all means have at it, but it is doubtful that you’ll feel that “connection” to someone else until you sever yours to her.
There is no better way to get over someone than to do it on your own. Some people can’t handle a break up without involving themselves in another relationship for comfort and support, but people like that never seem learn to love someone in a true sense of the word.
However, I do not think you are dating new people because you can’t handle your emotions. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems to me that you are trying not to limit yourself to a single option. I think we learn the biggest lessons in life by taking chances and making mistakes. I’m not saying she’s a definite mistake, but I do know that sometimes the biggest mistake in life can turn into the biggest success.
You are handling your situation better than most would under similar circumstances and I say if you want to take chance with her, then by all means go for it. My opinion on the matter hasn’t changed, but I feel that you know exactly what you are getting into and for that, I think you will do the right thing for yourself.
You really seem to like this girl or maybe even love her, so I really hope that I’m wrong about her. Good luck Larry, I’ll be rooting for you to prove me wrong.
No you have helped out a lot it’s hard to use techniques when she is using legal action against me. I found out the real reason why she gives me a hard time is because she desperately wants her new relationship to work since she knows she’s in a bad situation. One talking to me being around me makes her current bf upset so shes being very cautious with her communication with me since apparently i am considered a threat. Two she’s making life decisions that show she’s moving on with her life such as getting her own place etc. The sad thing about all of this is shes not fighting over deciding who to be with she knows who she wants to be with but she knows its in her best interest to have me around if things go haywire. She has said she doesn’t look at him as longterm which means at some point she will be single again now when that happens will are friendship be so long that she will smply date around or will she give me another try. She has said she has lost all mushy feelings for me in order to win an ex back she must begin to feel attraction for me again and i don’t believe i can create th at attraction while she’s committed to this other guy. Also with all the legal action she’s taking that will be a lot to turn around. I do believe she feels close to me i just don’t have that tunnel to make that next step i need to take her to get her back. I believe she’s worth pursuing in the future at least for the boys if i get my opportunity it’s just going to be a long wait.
Hello Nathan,
I could only wish that you guys could come to an agreement outside the courtroom. I don’t think she realizes how taxing it can be to resolve these matters in court and it’s really a shame because you were more than willing to work things out with her. You didn’t break any of the previous agreements, so I’m very hopeful that the verdict will be in your favor.
I can’t really be sure since I never got to meet your ex girlfriend and I never got to know her, but at the moment she does seem to be emotionally unstable and that means at least you have to keep a level head. There are legal matters to resolve, but you also have two children who need both parents to be fair, reasonable, and to be there for them as they grow up.
I can see how much you love your children and how badly you want to work things out with your ex for the sake of your children, and for yourself as well. I’ll be sure to include a prayer for you this Sunday and as always, I wish you the best of luck.
I found out some new information and decided to take your advice you gave me a long time ago. Apparently she didn’t file for child support when she applied for medical and food stamps for the kids the state did it automatically since we were no longer together living in the same household at least that’s what she told me. I told her I would be her friend but not just because we have kids together but because you want to. She agreed she says she tries her best not to make her bf mad because whenever me and my ex talk and it’s about other things besides the kids he get mad and jealous accusing her of liking me and wanting me back. She tells him that’s not the case but I think it’s funny I’m wheeling myself in there and causing problems like You said I would. During a visit at my Childs speech appointment me and her joked quite a bit and she would almost always sit by me. During the visit she also asked if I wanted to go to mcdonalds after she was craving coffee and asked if I would get her some. I said if you behave yourself I’ll consider it and so I ended up taking her where we talked and she played all her ringtones to me from her phone. One thing I noticed is she kept asking me about my new gf which i don’t really have one I just told her I had one on another day. I briefly told her one thing about her and then turned it onto her like why does she want to know so bad. She stopped after that and simply said just curious since you know everything about my bf almost. She then got a text to pick by her bf who’s two years younger and still in high school to come and pick him up. She asked if it was ok since it had not been very long in mcdonalds I told her sure it’s ok and then jokingly said next time have him take the bus with a joking laugh. She smiled and then I left without attempting to give her a hug or anything like that. We seem to be getting fairly close I almost no if he ever did drop her she would come to me. Do you think by her believing I have a gf that she will lay off if she does become single sometime. Do you think it’s an effective strategy to become close with her but not to close basically try and create new feelings in her which will partially get in her way with her current relationship. For some reason I can get the vibe that she likes being around me and I can tell she finds me still attractive. What do you think about all of this?
My girlfriend and I have been together for 15 months. We spent the first 6 months not ‘totally’ committed, then she broke up with me saying she needed committment and we did that. We moved in together, planned our lives together, I changed my life for her. We were incredibly happy and I can say with my hand on my heart that she was too. Two and half weeks ago she left me because she thinks i cheated on her. She found an email account of mine which has email messages to random emails in it – which she thinks was me talking to other random girls from dating sites. With my hand on my heart again I can say that’s not what I was doing. I was obsessed by people running those sms scams and men who pretend to be women on dating sites, and to distract myself at work I used to play a pathetic game of trying to catch them out. But of course she doesn’t believe that. All this happened months ago and its not like i was doing it at the time she found it.
She hasn’t spoken to me since the break up, and she doesn’t htink our relationship, which was the most important thing in the world to her (and i do know this) isn’t worth one conversation. She wouldn’t even tell me what it was she found to break up with me, I had to figure it out myself. She says she’ll never see me again. I tried a couple of days after the break up to write her a gentle concilliatory email and I got abuse back. I tried again, a day or two ago (so 2.5 weeks later) and got abuse again.
I have to get this girl back – i haven’t cheated on her no matter how pathetic I have behaved. She is the most important thing to me – what can i do? We’re supposed to be getting married in 12 months time…
Hello Nathan,
It’s good to hear from you again and I’m especially thrilled that you guys seem to have settled your differences outside the courtroom. Well, maybe not, but it looks like she’s at least behaving normally again.
As far as my advices go, I haven’t taught you anything that you didn’t know before and all you needed was a little reminding of some of the key points on getting your girl back. Obviously you are doing something right because everything seems to be going according to your plan. You are there for her and for the children as a responsible father should be and nothing else. The boyfriend is doing all the hard work for you by creating the troubles himself.
Another thing I might remind you is to use the fake girlfriend card scarcely. Even if there really were a new girl in your life, bringing her up too often can actually backfire. The best thing to do is to do exactly what you did with her boyfriend. Give her just enough information so she knows there’s a new girl and let her sit on that thought for as long as she has to, in order for her to start asking you questions about the new girl. The key is for you to hand them the recipes and for them to start cooking on their own.
Your ex’s behavior has been somewhat erratic of late, but maybe that’s to be expected of since she’s facing so many new changes in her life. In some ways, you are the biggest change in her life, but ironically you may also be the only constant. Continue with your current strategy and make sure you keep the new girl as mysterious as you can. She said she was curious about your new girlfriend because you knew so much about her boyfriend and yet she knew so little about your new gf, but that statement makes little sense. I still stick with my assessment that she continually bombards you with the news of her boyfriend because she’s trying to get a reaction out of you. She’s also curious about your new girl for the obvious reasons and not for the lame reason she’s laid out.
Wait for some drastic changes in her relationship to her boyfriend and make sure you never make the first move. Your only advantage over her is the fact that she’s still unsure whether or not you are completely over her. I can’t tell you how things will transpire or what will happen, but I can tell you for sure nothing is ever constant and your strategy is sure to ruffle some feathers in the days to come, if it hasn’t already.
Rob,
I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I feel for you and I can only imagine the pain you are suffering. Here’s the good news though, things are not as bad as they seem. This may sound lame to you, but it’s the truth and it’s your biggest ally. You have the truth on your side. She may not listen to you right now and she may even curse you out right now, but that’s to be expected of. Imagine yourself in her shoes and you’d realize right away that you’d be just as furious with her “infidelity”.
Patience, truth, and persistence are the key to her heart Rob. Accept the fact that it will take time for her anger and disappointment to subside, don’t try to play any cheap tricks to get her attention, and keep telling her what really happened. Eventually she will listen and when she does, show her all the email exchanges, the dates of when they happened, and make her understand they happened in the past and that they were your little “dumb” game.
In the mean time, do seek out help from her friends and her family if you have acquaintance with any. Make copies of all the emails and show them to the people that are close to her. I know it may be embarrassing and some of them may outright ignore your plea, but it makes a difference that she knows that you are trying to reach out to her. If you just wait and hope for her to miraculously come back to you, then it wouldn’t be any different than you accepting that you have cheated on her.
Someone who cares for her will listen to you and to your story. If you can have one person who will speak for you and help you reason with her, then you stand a much better chance at patching things up with your ex girlfriend. Also, don’t send her emails. Under the circumstances emails just seem too easy, cheap, and out of place. Go oldschool and send her a real physical letter if you want to communicate with her in writings. I might also add that if she hasn’t seen all the emails yet, you might as well make copies of them and send them to her. If they happened in the past and if they were just games to you, then eventually she will see them as what they really are.
At this point, further lying, hiding, or damage control will only do more harm. Truth is your best friend, your biggest weapon, and the only way you will get her back. Use it and I’m sure she will come around.
I honestly do believe she will date this guy as long as she possibly can. Supposedly his personality besides the looks is what she likes for example he doesn’t stare at other women or he doesn’t get mad when something does not go his way. She freely told me many things she likes about him that she didn’t like about are relationship. The things that irritate me is she doesn’t say very many positive things she likes to dwell on the negative things about me when i very well know she had plenty of negatives on her side. Of course if discussed she will just get angry and defensive even though i know its true so i let go any tension even if i know i am right. Her family and her think I’m all about myself and would only do what benefits me and anything i do now is for court reasons. Even if i did move on i will still always have to support this girl and that irritates me because i know a good portion won’t go to the kids. It’s difficult to deal with a girl who knocks you down for the past and simply says you cant change it hasn’t been long Enough. Well who cares if i change or what i do if were separated were separated it’s not like im gonna benefit by proving to her i have changed because she’s not giving me that opportunity. I figured if we became close and she spent a good amount of her time on me that it would eventually pry them apart and then she would begin to focus on reaffixing our relationship since she’s attracted to me. I know this from the way she acts around me in person she’s so comfortable in fact if she was sinlge im confident i could make moves on her like cuddling holding hands etc. The fake gf thing is not to make her jealous its to make her believe im not just sitting there waiting for her to come around and staying lonely. I make sure to say it’s not a serious relationship that i don’t know what the future holds because i have no idea how long her relationship will last with this highschooler. I am very confident that this guy is not looking to be a longterm step dad and i don’t see why a young 18 year old would choose a girl with two kids to start his life with over a young fresh girl. I do believe someday it will end and my ex will face reality that she’s not all that better of without me. She’s not gonna get a magic happy longterm relationship at least the way she wants it to be. It is my job right now to work on myself and truly act like i want her longterm instead of only acting like it when i no longer have her. You don’t know what you had until you no longer have it. Is it possible you think to actually last a lifetime or do you think that’s just a longshot.
I don’t know if im allowed to do this but i wanted to give rob advice in a ddi tion to yours exback coach. A girl who cares about a guy will almost always always always give the guy a chance to explain himself. In this situation she did not which is a very bad sign. It appears she was looking for an excuse to end the relationship and one reason i would back that up isnthe fact she is avoiding any explanation contact. If this girl really cares for you she is by far going to hope you can show her it was all a misunderstanding. There are so many girls out there rob who are so attracted to there man that they actually try to make excuses for what happened like oh he really didn’t mean to send that email etc etc etc. You claimed she wouldn’t give you an official reason for breaking up and that is because she really doesn’t have one its simply an excuse so she doesn’t look like as much as a mean person for her decision. Only you know this girl but my advice would be to try and talk to her as a friend someday in the future and say hey im ok with the breakup and say oh your a very lucky girl because i have proof o never cheated on you and then exit the conversation let her make the next move if she chooses to. If she does not you have your official answer.
Nathan,
Your latest reply kind of takes us back to my message to you when things were really going south. I said it before and I’ll say it again, the relationship between broken up couples is volatile and fragile. Just because there is a way to fix your relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have the stomach to get it done. But most importantly, even if you have what it takes to get your girlfriend back, the things you might have to endure to get her back might do too much damage to your heart for you to find happiness with her again.
You have to remember that your break up is more like a divorce of a married couple than your average couples break up that are mostly discussed here. There are custody issues, child support, visiting days, and other legal matters that inevitably have to be dealt with before the emotional issues can be settled. A divorce is a lot messier than just two adults breaking up from a simple, no strings attached girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. Add the new boyfriend in the mix, a high schooler nonetheless, and the situation is escalated from flammable to explosive.
I said it from day one Nathan, this is going to be a marathon and with what you might have to go through to get her back, you might not want to go through with this. What you are doing right now is obviously working to a degree, but you’ll need a lot more than her attention if you hope to give it another go with her. You’ll have to convince her that you have changed or that you are working on improving yourself to become a better man for her. This is the only way you’ll earn her trust and the road to achieving that will be long and hard. I stress this time and time again and I’ll say it again, you have to consider the long history you two share together and the complexities of having two children in the mix bring into this situation.
You definitely need a little bit of tactics to push the right buttons that will get her attention. Getting her to dump the boyfriend will be a challenge, but not a big one. The real challenge is what happens after all that. Earning back her trust will not be easy and you might have to endure a lot more hardship than what you might have anticipated. In your mind, you might have been a mean boyfriend and not much worse than that. Your ex girlfriend on the other hand, she might have a completely different story to tell about you.
You have to either suck it up, or move on. You’ve been floating in the middle directionless since the day we started discussing about your situation. It’s time to make a decision Nathan. You have to either move on, or you have to commit yourself to getting her back and stop wondering about the unknown. I can’t tell you what she will do tomorrow or a year later. However, I can tell you that nothing will change in your favor if you don’t work for those changes.
Nathan,
The comment sections on this site are for the readers and the readers primarily. You can speak your mind about anything for as long as they are not offensive or too out of context from the site’s theme. I’m sure Rob appreciates your input and you can reply to any other comments if you wish. I get most of my reader queries to my inbox as emails, but I like to discuss things on the comment section so others can read and benefit from it as well.
I think I’m making progress for the longterm we discuss the relationship what she hated and what she wants changed. It will be a marathon but at least right now she’s willing to flirt spend hrs on the phone with Me. I am in great shape she gives me a lot of attention for loving her bf and that doesn’t mean she wants me back but it will eventually annoy him because she’s not going to randomly stop. When he gets sick of her ex being in the picture he will have to ether deal with it or find a new fresh women. This guy is a boy not a man and he is by far being taken advantage of. Mi think my real work will come when she’s singl and we hangout hangout. I am seeing other girls and not really trying to rush anything it could t ake 3 years and that would be fine with me if i have her back i will want it to be where we both treat each other right not our old stale relationship. I cannot imagine an ex bf floating around for life would be what this current bf would be happy with longterm because she is doing nothing to push me away she actually makes a huge effort to be around me when her bf isn’t around. Even though she says she tells him everything i highly doubt she does because the things she dies would make 90 percent of men upset. To actually get her to really start seeing me again will be a challenge but im gonna do what i can to t attract her back and will take as long as it needs unless im for some reason get serious with someone else. I will wait for all the legal matters to be over with first which she wants it to be over with as well so at least we are on the same page.
I forgot about one thing exback coach. I was very shocked she revealed this she said she recently dreamed about me in the dream she said she was cuddling with me in bed and she said she randomly woke up and was like thinking oh my god that dream was so real i really thought it was happening. Now i have never had any dreams about her when we broke up not even one with her in it do you think it means anything that she had a dream about me and decided to reveal the dream to me. I have always been told that dreams usually mean something and it could be good or bad not sure what do you think because that is really shocking to me.
Hello,
I was wondering if you think I’m in the right position to get my ex back, so that I don’t keep thinking about it if all seems hopeless.
I’m in my waiting period now….
I know that the main question here is to ask yourself always if you really want this girl back, if it’s worth it, and rational thinking might say no, but I say yes, so let’s forget that debate, humor me.
I do have to say that my ex has a way of thinking that is close to borderline, however, ofcourse I came here, I love her, and I want her back.
All thorugh our relationship I have been dealing with a girl with low self asteam, fear of abandonment, anger, jealousy, projection, etc.
She said I was the love of her life but that that made her suffer.
I’ve been nothing but good to her altough maybe I should have handeled stuff a little differently, I did my best.
Normally I have female friends that I hang out with, have coffee with, etc, nothing going on, I have been faithful.
But it created wars, so I stopped doing it but I told her that this was something we could fight together but that she has to look inside to kill these feelings.
But no it was all me, I did everything wrong, etc. etc.
So a few months ago she broke up with me (again) and because I thought this was the end I picked up my life as I had before her.
Which means seeing female friends, having coffee, hanging out, inside I was so hurt but outside I just went on.
So this one girl and I really like each other, we’re just very good friends, I wasn’t intressted in her romanticly, and neither is she, but in that 3 month period where my GF and I were broken up we texted about 100 times.
Just normal day to day stuff, ending with kisses and hugs, like friends do, I guess I needed some comfort for getting dumped like that.
Than my ex calls and tells she needed me for all that time, that she missed me and if I would come see her.
So I flew over there, she lives abroad.
So we had a good time but one morning I was asleep and she comes into the room and asks me about the 100 text messages.
I said she is just a friend, you broke it off with so I moved on but there is nothing going on with her, and this is the god honest truth.
But it was war, and after she asked me if I felt the distance, that it killed something inside her.
Which seems weird to me when she’s the one that broke it off.
I persuaded her that I loved her, and that this was nothing, just the actions of a single guy picking up his life.
We made up, we took a plane together, she had to go elswhere, I had to go home, we kissed, told each other we loved each other and that she would come visit me in November.
A week later she calls me and says: “I’ve met someone else, he’s so nice, I’ve never felt this way before, you and me are done and will never get back together, it was the messages that killed it.”
So I said ok: “if this dude makes you happy all the luck to you, I cannot be blamed for anything, I alway stayed true to you”, ofcourse I felt bad and told her that it would break my heart but hey what else can you do.
I played the cool part but than a yesterday I looked at our relationship and I was like: “no way in hell, this is insane”, so I called her with a loud voice and said that this new guy was not going to work neither cause sooner or later it was going to end the same way, cause she’s got major problems, that won’t be cured with another guy overnight.
That I loved her and that I was the best, bla bla bla, standard mistakes.
I did tell her that it was not my intension to get back together but that I would call her in 6 months and if I would find out that she was not well I would go and see her.
She said don’t worry, I’ll be fine, I’m sure about this guy, she told me she loved me and we hung up the phone.
I know I should not have made that call.
So my question is; do I stand a chance?
Lol, after reading this all back I know how it must all sound but believe me, under all that bull-shit there’s a great woman, the woman I love.
So now what?
Hello Nathan,
I’m here to support you and help you through your ordeal. I get about 200 emails a month from men who are mostly desperate and hurting to get their ex girlfriends back. Some of them are OK with keeping their options open and so they are open to dating other women and as well as moving on with their lives without their ex. But these people are rare and most of them are better off concentrating their efforts in one thing. That’s where you come in.
I think you need to stick to one mindset and run with it. You either want her back or you don’t. Just because you choose something now, it does not mean that you can’t make other choices later on. It just means that you are doing your best for that moment in time without wasting your efforts in things that just put you down. You are reacting to everything she does and I’m beginning to think that she has you figured out.
If you really believe that getting her back is going to be a marathon, then stop giving too much thought on what she does on a daily basis. Assess your situation on a month to month basis and look at the gradual changes rather the daily changes. I have helped more guys than I can count to get their girls back in a month or less, but I’ve been saying from the beginning that your situation is more complex than that. *(I should add something to this statement. I do one-on-one coaching over the phone and locally, I provide my one-on-one coaching in person. I apologize if any of you are interested, because I am not taking new clients right now. I do not take on more than a dozen cases simultaneously and there are quite a few gentlemen on the waiting list. I add this statement because one-of-one coaching is what I do best and it’s how I help people. I want the people who leave me questions here or by email to have realistic expectations of what I can do for them with communication in written form. However, I answer all your questions after thoughtful review and I try to give my best answer with the limited information I get. Being able to look into someone eyes when you talk to them, different body gestures, and the change in the tone of voice are some of the things that you cannot get on a message board.)*
If you feel down or you want to talk about something, then you are more than welcome to discuss them with me. In fact I’m flattered that you and others have given me the opportunity to help out. But I want you to have consistency, because you can’t be drooling over your co-worker one day and be down about your chances of going back with your ex the next day.
I think in your situation is best to keep an open mind about possibilities other than going back with your ex girlfriend. I don’t want you to miss out on life for someone who may never come back to you, but I think your situation rather makes things very difficult for you get on with your life. So the next best thing is to take a more relaxed approach to this and to stop reacting to every little change.
What people do minute by minute and day by day can be very inconsistent, but observe them for the long term and you start to get a more consistent picture. I’m glad you have told me as many things as you have, for that is the only way that I can help you the best way that I can. The bottom line is, I want you to enjoy life a little more and just unwind a little.
Bob,
I think we can speed up this conversation because you seem to understand that she does a have serious problem with jealousy and trust. You are right about her not being able to change because of the new guy or even 100 new boyfriends for that matter. Jealousy and trust issues are not something that a boyfriend can help with. In fact, a boyfriend might be the worst person that can give advices on that matter.
Her flaws however does not mean that you she doesn’t have a Mr. Perfect around the corner. There are men who actually enjoy the sort of restriction and controlling attitude from their jealous girlfriends and while most men get tired of the antic pretty soon, a few might actually prefer to spend their lives with a woman like that. So it might be true that she might have met her “Mr. Perfect”, but unfortunately for her those types of men are rare breed.
I have seen women and as well as men like your ex girlfriend and to be honest all they do is to destroy relationships. I don’t think you should be asking if you have a chance to get back with her, but rather the question should be “Am I ready to give up on all my other relationships for her?” I guarantee you that even if you stop seeing your female friends, her jealousy won’t stop there. Most people who get married under similar circumstances give up on pretty much all their relationships just to keep one, the marriage.
If your friends and family mean anything to you, then you’d be wise to move on with your life without this girl. Unless of course you are the type of guy who dreams of living with a woman who must control all aspects of your life, but I already know you are not her “Mr. Perfect” and that’s probably a good thing. You are a free willed human being and because of that, I do not believe you stand a good chance at getting her back.
Yea she probably does have me figured out because sometimes well talk for an hour or two or text back and forth for a long time which I know would make her ex upset and sometimes she doesn’t talk to me for a days or if i do get in touch blows me off. I have tried to move on and I have been challeneged greatly. I use the internet to try and meet and date women and every single time I find one im attracted to it never ends up going anywhere. The ones im not really into but talk to to keep from being lonely well yes they hangout we do stuff we talk etc etc etc. My overall goal is to really find a girl to replace what I had since I very well know I will not have my ex back for a few years if ever. If I could just date one girl im attracted to on a regualr basis I would be happy but things just havent been working out. I have work 5 days a week so im not available to meet women everyday. I will soon have my children to take care of 3 some days a week. I mean it may make sense to you but not to me for example I talked back and forth with an attractive women for around 5 days and then randomly one day we didnt talk not even a text to say hi. The next day wasn’t any better she broke the pattern which actually scared me. I had scheduled a date with her and I figured since she stopped talking to me that it wasn’t going to happen. Well she didn’t say no she just told me the date would have to be quick that shes never met anyone online. She acted perfectly normal and fine the first 5 days so why the sudden change or freak out and I had a very similar issue with another girl same thing happened. So basically if these girls have so many options and men to choose from what makes them want to pick me. I simply emailed my ex and we talked on the phone for hours everynight and met within a week or so. My ex is as pretty if not prettier than the girls I have been talking to now. I am used to having someone pretty in my life and don’t want to settle with someone im not attracted to. The worst part is the city I live in is small and away from all big cities so any female I meet online I have to drive 1 to 4 hrs just to meet them. The girls in my local area havent given me the time of day I have always had problems getting to know girls in my local area like there afraid to talk to me since I live close or something. To make things worse my entire family lives in another state my exes family hates me and my ex only talks to me when she feels like it. So basically other than working I do absolutely nothing everyday. Now some advice from you may be go out and do something active approach some girls at a store or something but that’s awkward to me. I have no reason to approach a girl at a grocery store by myself without it looking awkward. I do not know if she is even available or not and it just doesn’t feel right. The girls at my work all have bf’s so I have no chance there including the one girl who i said flirts with me but tells me she loves her bf. Right at this moment I wish I was a girl that I could simply put on slutty clothes and have someone to cuddle with for the night. I really was playing with fire when I scared my ex and told her mean things etc but it kept her around for almost 6 years. It really is a pain in the ass the whole dating game and im a pretty good looking guy. Its almost worth paying thousands for a matchmaker to set me on tons of dates and me eventually find the one if I had the money. yea any advice for men out there if you have something good don’t mess around because one day it may all be gone and you will be a lonely person. That was my exes fear of being alone AHAHAH that’s a laugh with her body she could get 50 men a day attractive ones I really screwed up and I can’t even seem to have her replaced. I have accepted the fact of giving up on her and won’t try until she becomes single so I have to do something with my life until then. Thanks for the advice you have given me I guess my next question is how do you get dates with attractive women online.
Dear exbackcoach,
I am with my gf more than a year. We breaks up right after she getting a new job. She’s getting busier than ever. She has to entertain clients and goes clubs/pubs. We both getting lesser communication until 1day she saids that we need to talk. Through the conversation, she told me that she’s exposed with lots of things and people, she is very busy and can’t make commitment on our relationship. I try to convince her to stay but at last she told me that she felt our relationship has gone tasteless.
Yeap, I m devastated, trying my best to stay strong. But not until a week after, from facebook, I saw she went to a trip with a bunch of colleagues and a guy puts his arm over her shoulder. (That guy is her colleague and my ex told me she will never simply let a guy do this to her). I am terribly upset but still trying to keep positive not until I saw she goes club with the guy again with a bunch of collagues, she puts her hand at the guy waist and stay close with the guy from behind, and some pics where they both face to face close with each others. I was like a car hit by a god damn truck. I cant hold my nerves and sms her about this. We have a great quarrel over the msg.
After that, I talk with her over the phone more around an hour. Initially, she is telling me the same thing as she said at 1st break up conversation, commitment bla bla bla. After sometime, she told me that she just can’t lie herself to continue our relationship, not fair to me, and finaly she just told me she got a new bf but she deny the guy is her colleague (WTF, who’s gonna believe this?). After that, we never keep in touch anymore.
Right after a month, I just follow TW Jackson guide to make her a post breakup call to ask her condition and just told her that I’m busy, gotta hang up. The whole conversation less than 30s. She sounds ok with it.
Honestly, I can’t forget her, we having great time together all the while. Mr.exbackcoach, should I trust my instinct that she is in the relationship with the guy ? what should I do next? Can u guide me on this?
Hi exbackcoach again.. Do you still remember me?? It has been a while I haven’t contacted you here.. I thought it would be too much to ask you questions that you answered me many times to forget about her..
Since I don’t want to forget about her.. I tried to ask her a simple question..
I asked: “Heard that you are going back soon… True?? When?? Hahaha is it ok if I ask you this way?? Disturb you or not?? LOL”
She responded “Can you please stop contacting me? I am so completely over it, and i am saying the truth, stop thinking that i am lying i don’t…and please don care about my business…i appreciate it…and i am sorry if i am being too mean.”
I wondered why she was so afraid that I would try to ask her back with me?? At first I wanted to know when she would go back, and I wanted to know how is she doing.. That’s it, I didn’t want to try to get her back..
What do you think about it?? I didn’t ask her about anything of being back together, but she brought up about it.. I told her back that “I never think of anyway to be back with her either.. I was just wondering..”
I want to ask you why she brought up about it, when I just asked her a simple question..??
My ex fiance and i took a break about 6 months ago, it was her idea. During the past 6 months we have gone on a few vacations together ” with friends ” and slept in the same bed, kissed etc. Now we were together for almost 4 years, 3 of which were long distance. We traveld as much as possible to see one another and it was always wondeful. We got engaged on christmas day and everyone was so excited for us, except her mother. Her mother is a single mom who lost her husband when my fiance was 6. She has not been involved with anyone in the past 19 years and she literally clings to her daughter. Her mom would always introduce me to other family members as my fiances “friend “. Anyhow one night we got to talking and my ex told me that her mom was telling her that she didnt think we were right for eachother and that she didnt see us working out in the long run. She also told my ex that she was only 25 and had plenty of time to find the right guy for her..how does she have a right to dictate if im right or wrong for her? We were always perfect together. But back to the break 6 months ago, she called and said that she didnt think that she was ready to get married, i tried to explain that we did not need to set a date anytime soon, and that we could both wait until we were BOTH ready. We than begin to fight about basically me missing her and her not thinking she was ready to be with me 100% again. This has been going on for 6 months and its like when we are in person things are instantly perfect, but the second one of us leaves, its back to crap. So i decideto move to the same state as her thinking that since its always perfect when we are together, then it would be great if i moved. I moved about 2 months ago and i swear its like one week is awesome, and then the next sucks all over again.We got into a really bad arguemnt and im thinking about moving back to where im from. Is this the right idea? Do you think its over? And i feel all of this is a direct problem started by her mother, who lacks the ability to let her daugther go. She is scared to be alone, and she thinks im trying to steal her from her. But what she is failing to realize is that shes not losing her daugther, she would be gaining a son in law. But i am lost, i know she told me that maybe its time for us to move on, and that sometimes you have to let htings go and if they come back they are yours forever. She saysa she still is so in love with me and she acts like it when we are toegther. But once again when her mom or one of her friends that doesnt like me is around then its different again. She has even recently got to the point to where she pretty much only talks to me when she wants to or sees me when she wants to…please tell me what to do…do i go home and chalk this one up in lost column, keep fighting for the woman i love? I mean i know her and i are still crazy about eachother, but we have been driving eachother crazy aswell…i suggested we take a vacation just the two of us and she said ok, but when her mom found out she got mad and changed her mind….SHES 25…..I would like to think she is making her own decisions but i just dont think she is. I have done so much for her and given up so much for her to try and right this ship..but i feel like its slowly sinking and i need to figure out how to patch it up before the hole gets bigger. I told her i was moving home and she is upset but when i told her she was very very mad at me and said that she loves me dearly but maybe thats the right decision for right now. But i dont think she understand that if i go back to be 900 miles away then i will not be making another move. I did it once and i think thats enough
Probably Johny because she’s like my ex she knows you well enough to know what your intensions are even though you say otherwise. Basically you have no reason to stay in contact with her consider her a stranger now she is the past she is gone. If one day you find someone special you will forget about her just focus on finding a girl your attracted to there are many out there just don’t give up ever. It’s very t ugh especially with my situation being turned down all the time but I’ve done in the past I can Domitian again even if it’s difficult.
Nathan, at first I thought like you, but I’ve been reading many solutions about getting ex back.. They always say your ex can’t completely remove you and like and hate is a very small line.. I know that she is just trying to say to me that is over it, but she is not.. I can see it, she is not happier like before.. Since there is no me, no one cares her much, if they do still those people seem not to be interested by her.. Just today I saw her status “realized that NOBODY is BOTHERING ME WHILE I’M DOING HOMEWORK ANYMORE…what happen???” before I was the one who interrupted her from doing Homework, she always came to me.. And when I miss her, I called her, or send her messages.. But now no more and she seems to be so bored, but I can do nothing.. I mean that because I know what places she likes to have fun, and she can have fun.. Only on internet, since she is International student and she only contacts her friends, family through internet..
I don’t know your exes situation johny but here may be a similarity. My ex is with a man she’s attracted to who she feels has long term potential. Her overall goal like yours an mine is to be with someone who makes her feel good day after day. If me and you were what made our exes feel good day after day they’d be with us. One area where you can recover is when an ex is vulnerable like such as a break up. You can now attempt to make her feel good and safe with you which is really what she wants overall. Remember this an ex gf is looking for her benefit not yours johny or mine. Any move she makes is for her own personal gratification just like us. We want our exes back because it makes us feel good not because it’s what she wants. I’ll repeat what I said before there are other women that can provide everything your ex did it just takes a lot of effort and time and rejection. Usually the girl we want the most is the hardest to get ya I just got rejected today she was gorgeous and 3 other women who were ok were all over me. Life is a pain in the blank isn’t it but I did it once I can do it again no if ands or buts.
hi this is gaurav ..
i m a boy of 20 doing b.tech..
once i was fall in love but that was single sided this was a time of feb 2008
i m dumbed and also manny of my frnds leave me..
after around half a year spending at home preparing for entrance i met with another girl she in colg.with her i have spend lots of moments and we hv become gf n bf n ya we have been gone through kiss n all that stuff but not that one (f)
we sit with each other in class since we meet..even we go colg by availing same transport and ya we both together..
we are so close to each other that is really unbelievable for us..
but all that is really great..
i helped her a lot..
make her forget her past for whom she has comited suicide once.
i made her overcome her past..
made a feel good
make her bday life’s best bday ever..which she ever wanted. as she never njoyed in her bday with frnd..and ya wich some of the gifts she ever wanted ..
i made her calm..every day while going home she kept her head on my shoulder n take rest..
but in 2 month holiday she went to her mama’s house and she got comited..but after 4 5 days she got breakup bcoz she n her guy cant be in touch regularly bcoz of the distance and no mobile at boy..
we n my love are still going colg together n leaving in colg together..
but prob is me cant leave with her like a frnd..as bcoz of too much closeness once i had with her..
for her it is easy she say we r still frnds..
how can she say dat…wen i cant msg her call her talk to her scrap n coment on her wall post like befor…
i miss her badly..
v badly
i we have still 3 years left for colg.. i.e i hv to live with her 3 years for sure.. but i knw after that she will also break the frndship..
my whole family knw abt my badly love for her..
i want her back i dont knw y..
i m still helping her a lot..
its going to b 3 months for breakup
n me still weeping a lot even in front of her manny times..
n she says dram mat kia kar faltu ka
kuch nhi bigara mene tera..
ab b hu na tere sath as a frnd…
plz help
i want her back plz
plz
aaj bhi uske sare prob me hi solve karta hu me..
usko sare sub me hi padhata hu mostly padai se lekar real life prob sab me aj bhi help kar rha hu n i knw pure colg life tak ya uske aage karta rahunga..
mjh uske sath apni life bitani hain 3 saal wo b dosti k nhi..
plz help i want her back plz
Hello Dav (Maybe Dave?),
In order to proceed with the next move, we need to talk about the mistakes you’ve made so far. This will help us figure out what can be done to undo those mistakes.
I think what you are telling me is that you’ve contacted her after the break up to let her know that you weren’t too pleased about her getting too touchy with her male colleague. The first time you’ve exchanged sms with her and the second time you actually spoke to her on the phone.
There are ways in which you can use sms or phone calls strategically to your advantage, but contacting her out jealousy is a big mistake. If she broke up with you because you were the one who was afraid of commitment, then it would make sense to show interest and affection to a certain degree. However, she broke up with you because she was unwilling to commit to a relationship with you and it looks like she may have been cheating on you while you were still together.
I have to ask. Was your ex girlfriend cheating on you while you guys were still in a relationship? This changes everything and I have to verify this before we proceed any further. You were saying “she told me that she just can’t lie herself to continue our relationship”, you were already broken up at this point, so what is she talking about when she says “to continue our relationship” Was she seeing her colleague while you guys were still together?
I apologize to everyone who has been waiting for my replies both on this board and by email. I have a full-time job as a dating coach and this website sort of started as a hobby at first, but I have been getting hundreds of emails every month for quite some time now and it’s become a full-time gig on its own. Many people opt to send emails instead of discussing their situation on the comment section, but I have lots of backlog emails and you will have better chance of getting your questions answered here. So just use a nickname and ask your questions here. I will answer all your questions asap, but I have to ask for your patience. Thank you.
Hi
First of all i know exactly what my issues are and i have now resolved them but the problem is that i ended the relationship and things have taken a turn that there is 99.9% no way back from, even when you hear how ridiculous they seem.
I walked away on a 2 year relationship with my girlfriend. It was time for the “talk” to take place about where things were going. I did a silly thing and panicked, shut up shop and walked away – even although it was something i really wanted. I know that doesnt make sense to anyone that reads that – but its the issue i have now resolved with myself. The main issue is that i needed to grow up – and i am no spring chicken – and neither is my ex girlfriend.
We did not stay together, only at weekends. I reside with an elderly parent who was in no way the reason for my committment issues.
We had a good relationship – never fought or argued – and had many good times with only a couple bad.
There was nobody else involved.
She is a really quiet girl who does not do confrontation and the only bad times were caused by neither of us telling each other how we felt for fear of being hurt (we have both been in the past)
The killer is that the walk out was after a great day/night on valentines day.
In the immediate aftermath she gave me two chances to reconcile and my only response was that i would only make her unhappy. Things were left at that.
Now i realise all too well (and i find it very difficult to live with myself at the moment)how that must have made her feel.
The main problem is that fairly soon after we split she fell for another admirer at work (we both work in the same building)
Now because of this i never said anything for 4 months. The reasons being i was still ashamed of how i had behaved and knew what the likely response would be – and secondly i did not want her to think i was contacting her out of jealousy.
Anyway at the end of July i could not control my emotions any longer – i send a couple of text messages which were ignored.
I then sent her an email at work apologising for what had happened, and how she did not deserve that but as i noticed she was happier with her new admirer and has moved on quickly things maybe happened for the best. (emotions again)
Her response was to thank me for saying that and also that if we had shared our feelings at the time it would have saved a lot of unhappiness – and that
maybe now if we bumped into each other we could say hello and to take care.
This was a bombshell comment as everything came home to roost of what i had blown.
However I replied saying i want sure if i could be friendly as i still had feelings for her.
There was no reply
The following weekend i sent her a text saying despite what i had said i would always be there for her and never ignore her.
4 hours later she replied saying she has definitely moved on and is happier than she has ever been and that i should lose her number – youll notice how i led her into that statement from the email earlier in the week.
She is quite an impressionable girl although its something i never ever played on.
Anyway i sent her another email at work saying i understood but surely there could be some way we could work things out – no response.
A week letter i sent a fatal 10 page letter. I explained everything about how i behaved, how i needed to grow up, how much she meant to me, how i wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together and asked if she would meet me.
I got a response at work the next week – she was not happy about the letter – wants no more contact – has moved on
First of all if i can explain a bit about her – i dont think there is anyone that she hates. As i said she is quiet and a really smashing pleasant girl. she once said she couldnt ever imagine falling out with or not talking to anyone.
You can now guess where i stand – i am up there on my own in her hate list.
Dont get me wrong – i can fully appreciate what i did to her and how she must have felt – but i let my emotions get the better of me and tried too hard to make things right – it would have been easier if she had dumped me.
Anyway the main crux is that – in the 4 months she has been going with this new guy, she has allowed herself to go on holiday with him, get engaged and alowed him to move in with her.
This is why also there was a lot of anger from her in the timing of the contact – i had no idea things were as serious – how could i.
I have no doubt that the new guy has charmed her and is being nice to her but i have been informed by work colleagues that he is a serial faller in love – by that i mean every girl he goes out with soon becomes the “one”
There is also no comparison between me and him – looks, finances, history – he has an ex wife who he went out with when she was pregnant to someone else and has the young daughter who he brought up for a short time before their relationship ended.
She has went from a relationship with me where i asked nothing of her, drove her everywhere, never took anything from her, made sure i paid for nights out etc – to one where she has allowed this guy to move into her small flat with her, get engaged and is now driving him around everywhere – within 6 months of the split up.
She is in her 40s
Obviously things can look different to what they seem – but it looks as if this new guy has played on her vulnerability, filled her head with nonsense and is in some way controlling her. – i mean look what he has achieved in 4-5 months – id be in dreamland if i met a girl who was that easy.
I realise that sounds biased – but that is not my take on it. Women who work beside her have stated this.
So not only have i broke my own heart but i now feel as if i have led her down this path and the break up has fried her braincells – i have already had a woman’s persepective on what i must have did to her and it’s not nice.
However the letter i sent her was extremely personal and private – and she still went ahead and got engaged after receiving it.
The story is they decided to get engaged a month ago but were going to wait a while – he produced the ring on the 2nd day of their holiday.
Everyone in the work is shocked – they never even knew she had been seeing anyone after me.
Maybe it really is the real deal and she was only looking for someone to put a ring on her finger – but she never gave me any ultimatums – although id be a liar if i said i didnt know that is what she wanted
I realise i cannot do anything now. I have to sit back as to do otherwise would be fatal
It is horrendous though – they plan to get married next year so i have heard !
Hello there. Well I have a situation. Me and my ex have been going back and forth for almost three years. The last time we had an argument was 2 months ago. I recently contacted her last week to asee how she was doing.I told her I would can her after work. But it was weird because she didn’t wait for my call she got out of work and right away called me. We agreed to forget the past and just keep it fresh.so this saturday she wanted to get together so I agreed. We went out to the museum and had a blast.we talked and also I had my arm around her.it was a good day. I tread to make a move when I droped her home but that’s when she told me she is kindda seeing someone. I told her that’s cool that I am not looking for nothing right now since I am focusing in tying to et my life together. We left it like that. I threw her a little stone in her head saying that I am single anmd that she is not serious that sex is there if she wants it. She said she would would like that but she can’t. I respected that…I do care for her and would like to work on things but in a slow process and she agreed. So my question is what do I do now. I haven’t contacted her and so far I am just focusing on my life but yet she is in my mind.
P.s and now I I know maybe sex talk wasn’t the right thing to do. So ill just won’t bring that up and treat her as a friend but hope she desnt think that’s all I was looking for because I did tell her I would like to hang out more often and just have goodtimes like we use to.
Hello Nathan,
If you are seeking to date someone attractive online, then the easiest way to do so is to join dating sites such as beautifulpeople.com. I am not a fan their business culture and I am in no way affiliated with them, but they do offer what you are looking for. As far as all the other dating sites are concerned, you just have to make sure that you rate down all the statistics that are provided by everyone looking for their Mr. and Ms. Perfect.
If someone’s height is 5’10” in real life, chances are they improve that by an inch or two on their profile. They will use their best pictures and often times use pictures of them when they were much younger. This does not mean that you won’t find a beautiful date online. There are reasons why online dating sites are saturated, there’s money to be made in the business and more and more people everyday are using these services to find their other halves.
You said you were looking for something to keep you busy while you waited for your ex girlfriend to become single again. If you are going to start dating again, then please consider dating someone who’s looking for a casual relationship as you. I like to help people who are seeking real relationships and even in my offline job, I never take clients whose sole purpose for hiring me is to help them court any beautiful woman. Who doesn’t like to date attractive people? Everyone does, but there has to be something a little more than that for me to get involved.