Is the thought your ex girlfriend being with another man just killing you on the inside? Even if you don’t have feelings for an ex girlfriend, learning about her dating again is unpleasant at the very least. Now, if you still have feelings for your ex, then you can multiply the unpleasantness by about a thousand fold. There is however, a way to win back your ex girlfriend from her new boyfriend. The plan is simple enough, but it will seriously test your patience to its absolute limit. If you are ready for the challenges ahead, then this plan will put you on the right track.
Phase 1 – Let go of her and the past
Avoid at all cost of being labeled a desperate ex boyfriend. There is a very fine line between that of a stalker and an ex boyfriend who just can’t let go of the past. Convince her that you have moved on and leave the past in the past where it belongs. The plan is to start something new with your ex girlfriend, because trying to fix what’s broken down beyond repair is futile. If you want her to come to back, then is only logical that you first let her go.
Phase 2 – Invest some time in yourself
Stay away from your ex girlfriend for a month or two, this is both a strategic need and an emotional need at the same time. If you can recall the first couple of months of your relationship with your ex girlfriend, then you shouldn’t have trouble figuring out that there is nothing you can do to stop her from seeing her new boyfriend at this juncture. The real relationship starts after the honeymoon period and that’s when relationships start to get tested.
There’s also the fact that you need this time to complete the phase 1 of this plan and not to mention the fact that you will have to make some major improvements on yourself. Successfully completing phase 1 will have you mentally prepared for the challenges ahead, but next you will have to make some improvements to your physical appearance. Exercise regularly, eat healthy, and start dressing up a little.
Try wearing casual clothes exclusively for one week and then try wearing formal clothes for an entire week the week after. You will notice an enormous difference in the way you carry yourself depending on the clothes you wear and more importantly people around you will notice the difference as well. By no means I am preaching you to go out and grab a new suit, for all I know your ex girlfriend hates men in suit, but I want to reinforce to you the idea that you should dress for success.
you watch this video
Keeping yourself fit will give you a huge boost in self-esteem and dressing for success will reinforce the idea of change in you, both to yourself and to others around you.
Phase 3 – Wait for your chance
Here’s the good news, no relationship is trouble free forever and your ex girlfriend’s new relationship will start to get tested on the first month or the second. This is especially true in your ex’ case because her new boyfriend is likely just a rebound guy and rebound relationships are not built to last.
If she dumps the new guy, she will inevitably start thinking about you, the last real boyfriend. But then if she’s the one who ends up getting dumped, then you are in a perfect spot to save her when she is most vulnerable.
In the event that her new relationship continues on, you will have to change your tactic and approach her under the cover of friendship. Don’t ever make the mistake of letting her know that you still have feelings for her and make it convincing enough that all you want is her friendship. If you have been away from your ex for couple of months or more, then it shouldn’t be much challenge to convince your ex that the two of you should be friends.
This friendship will stir small but persisting problems with the new boyfriend and it will be enough to subtly put yourself in between your ex girlfriend and her new man. Once you have maneuvered into this position, you won’t have to do much to break them apart.
There are many other ways to go about getting your ex girlfriend back and on this single article I can only cover so much topic. If you want to learn about all the different strategies that you can use to get your girlfriend back, then Click Here to watch this 5 minutes long video presentation and see for yourself what kind of chance you stand on winning her back.
Hey coach, Where do I begin. My ex girlfriend and I went out for 3 years, in that time we have split up about 4 times. Each lasting a week or 2 then she would come back. In the begining we couldnt get enough of each other and then the economy went bad and I got laid off 2 times in one year and we struggled (first few months of us dating).We pushed through all of that until I got a job making good money again. She has back problems and would eat soma’s and didnt want to work. She started to blame everything on me, I tried everything to keep the relationship afloat. Going into the 3rd year things got really bad , she started saying i had been lying to her for the past year on a compulsive level and brought it up in every fight. The second to last time we split up she slept with another guy and said she was unhappy and went else where to find it. She says she loves me but the bad outway the good. The last time she left which was about a week in a half now she met a guy in a bar she works at and said she has a new boyfriend and moved in with him and said she is marrying him..wtf should I think of this? I gave u the short version but most of what I said is repeating itself..She suffered from dipression and everything I did towards the end ignored the hell out of her.I have not spoke to her since she told me about the boyfriend being her soulmate after a week of knowing him. What should I do??? RUN LIKE THE WIND? or wait till this relationships fails? I am certain this is a rebound by defanition.
Hey Coach,
First off, I’d like to thank you for all the help your doing for everyone here. Breakups suck, and you’re doing a great job at helping a lot of people get through a rough time.
Anyway, I dated a girl for 3 years, and I broke up with her about 3 1/2 months ago. I hated to do it, but I honestly felt like I was doing too much and she wasn’t doing enough. She was absolutely amazing at showing me a lot of affection, and I have no doubt that she loved me very much. We spent a lot of time together, even though we are both full time students with part time jobs.
We’re both about the same age (20 right now) but we started dating our junior year of high school. Everything was cool until February of last year, when she broke up with me, and a few days later I convinced her to do to dinner and a movie with me. I begged her to get back with me, but she refused, and admitted that she had cheated on me with a few guys while we were dating. That was a very tough pill to swallow, but I still wanted to be with her, although at the time it was because of loneliness and feeling rejected by someone I loved so very much.
We met a few more times after that, but it wasn’t going anywhere, and so after a month of the same old stuff I finally stopped calling her and I started to move on. I started doing things to make me a better person, like going to the gym, hanging out with old friends, etc. She eventually started calling me, but I didn’t show any signs of wanting to rekindle the relationship, even though I really wanted to. By this time, I wanted to be with her because I felt that we could work things out, and that maybe she had matured and wasn’t going to cheat again. I honestly just wanted to try things out, not jump right back into a long term relationship.
She finally got me to stop by her house so she could give me something. I was planning on being there for a few minutes, but we ended up spending the whole day together. We ended up getting back together the next day, but it was still rough at first. I ended up going back to my old ways of being too available, too willing to do whatever she wanted, not showing a lot of confidence. We had some problems for a bit, she wanted to keep talking to a guy that she had a “fling” with when we were broken up and that really hurt, and even though I should have ended it there, I kept trying to convince her to just stop. I don’t know what happened, but she woke up one day a completely different person, in a great way! It was as if she completely matured overnight! We had our occasional arguments here and there, but in all honesty, our relationship was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING for almost a year! We communicated well, gave each other plenty of space, we had almost no problems arise for a very long time! It was definitely one of the best times of my life.
Right after Christmas time lsat year, she started to do a lot of things that I would describe as, well, annoying. Wanting to spend too much time together, but not enough quality time. Always making me late to things that I gave her plenty of time to prepare for. Not wanting to talk about something that was bothering me. She was still very caring and affectionate, and we still had a very romantic relationship, in my opinion the best we’d ever had. It just seemed like she lacked goals, and she started complaining to me constantly about every little thing that bothered her.
I finally had enough and broke up with her in March. I didn’t want to start dating right away, it seemed a little tacky for me to break up with my girlfriend of 3 years and start dating right away. We kept in contact for about a week, and she really wanted to get back together, but I told her that I really didn’t think that was going to happen. After that, I didn’t hear from her in awhile, and so I tried calling her to see how she was doing. She didn’t return my phone call, and I called her 2 more times within a week and a half and she wouldn’t call me back, so I stopped calling and texted her saying that I didn’t want to talk to her anymore because she had pissed me off. A few months have gone by and I’ve been casually dating and meeting girls, but I couldn’t stop thinking about my ex. I finally called her a few days ago and she took a few days to call me back, but she finally did, and we talked on the phone in the middle of the night for 3 hours, and I thought it went great. After we got off the phone she texted me saying that she had a boyfriend that she’d been dating for 2 months (a month after I broke up with her). I was pretty upset but I talked to her the next day about it and told her that I still cared about her and wanted her to be my girlfriend, but that I wasn’t going to ask her to break up with her new guy. I didn’t say anything bad about him, but I told her that I felt like I had more to offer.
I know this is ridiculously long, but I don’t know what to do, Coach. I do miss her and want to be with her, I truly feel like she has matured a ton and I don’t think we would have any major problems if we did get back together, but now that she’s seeing this guy, that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen anyway! I’m hoping he’s just a rebound, but I don’t know if I should stay in contact or wait and see what happens. I’m so confused and I feel stupid for putting myself in this position, because I was the one who broke up with her and now I’m getting rejected! Please help me, coach!
Sincerely,
K2
Hello ItachiUchiha,
Before I reply to your message, I need to ask you a question. Are you sure you meant to say you guys dated for a week? I’m guessing you were trying to say that it’s been a week since you guys broke up. Verify that first for me, would you? Thanks.
Hey coach,
Long time no chat. Today I was browsing through my old facebook pictures and noticed my ex unblocked me on facebook. Do you think she may be trying to see what I’m up to or something like that?
Hello TK,
I always believed that there is a finite amount of damage a relationship can take and when you go over that threshold, the relationship becomes unsalvageable. The damage threshold is effectively dependent on the individuals involved, hence the reason why some couples are able to endure much more hardship than other. Your ex girlfriend cheated on your twice in the early part of your relationship. Then you guys had a casual, but sexual relationship for four months, sort of like “friends with benefit”.
You played with her feelings a lot during the four months of “friendship” thing you guys had and apparently you got serious again, well, somewhat serious when she stopped having sex with you. I understand that her initial infidelity issues had a lot to do with you hesitating to get serious with her, but for some reason this girl was really falling for you. Eventually she confessed to her love for you, but you responded to that with “I want to work it out”. I don’t need to tell you how she must have felt about that response.
Look, you haven’t said one word about loving this girl and I just know that you want this girl back for the wrong reasons. Not necessarily evil reasons, but definitely not one that will make you or her happy. Besides, I believe your relationship with her has been damaged beyond repair anyways. You will never get over the trust issues and I think she’s been hurt by you for a little too long and a little too much. I believe it would be beneficiary for both of you to go your separate ways.
Read all the other messages on this site and you will see the difference between those who are truly in love and you. I’m not blaming everything on you TK, but no one pushed you to continue your relationship with your ex even after she cheated on you, and as you guys continued seeing each other, you were definitely the one who continually fudged things up. Let it go TK and move on with your life. I don’t think she is coming back and I think that’s a good thing for both of you. That’s it from me, goodbye now.
Let me just ask you this. we didn’t talk for a few days it seemed like i wouldn’t hear from her and all of a sudden she texted me while she was at orientation at school saying that it blowed. i asked if it was boring and she said no i just feel really alone. i asked why and she said she isn’t good in big groups. I told her I’m not either and that everything will be okay go out and meet some new people if they suck move on. she said she was just going to to go sleep. I did text her this morning and said i hope she has a better day today and just relax and she said thanks it made me feel better. Why text me and not her boyfriend or one of her best friends why me? You are right I really did mess up bad with her I should have done a lot of things that I didn’t and its killing me now. I know i deserve the hurt she is giving me because i put her through it. B ut I want to believe that there is something I can do? I am not trying to break up her boyfriend and her I want her to be happy, if thats what she really wants. But I know there can be some way that i can show her I care. You are wrong I want this girl back for the right reasons because i do really care about her and I do want to tell her I love her. When she told me it was a week and a half ago i told her i didnt want to lose her and that i really did care about her before she told me she loved me. I should have said it then i just kind of froze I didnt expect her to say that. Please man I know i fucked up but you don’t believe in second chances to prove yourself?
Hello Keith,
There would be something to consider had she not been romantically involved with someone else and if she wasn’t slowly going insane, but I really don’t see any good reason why you might want to stick around. I’ve heard some things about soma, I’m not going to go into details for legal reasons, but as you probably know she wasn’t faking her sleepiness and fatigue.
I feel for her, I really do. Back problems are really ugly and tough to get rid of. You have to start taking something as strong as soma to lessen the pain, then the pain is less severe but not completely gone and you soon find yourself suffering from the side effects of the supposed cure. Once you start depending on pills to get you through the day, depression gets a hold of you, then you start taking meds for depression, and it is just an ugly chain of events.
The things that she has done over the past ten days or so were very erratic to say the least. Someone should probably stop her or help her, but that someone should not you. What would you say? “I’m her ex boyfriend and I know what’s best for her”? I work as a dating coach and having worked in this business for a long time, I sometimes get asked to help with relationship problems. Along with clients that have problems of religious nature in their relationships, I do not ever take clients that have girlfriends who suffer from depression.
You are not her family, you are not her husband, and you are not her guardian. This is something that she has to deal on her own and if she gets help from anyone, it would have to be from her family. It’s an unfortunate situation for her, but I believe it would be best that you move on with your life without her. That’s my two cents Keith. Good luck and take good care of yourself.
Hello K2,
Don’t worry about the long message. In fact, I like long messages better than the five liners that are nothing more than useless rants. So anyways, I get a sense that she is a high maintenance type and I’m not so sure that maturity would somehow change that. Maturity doesn’t necessarily come with age by the way. I personally know a few forty and fifty year olds that are as mature as my 2 year old nephew. Forget I said that, that’s an insult to my nephew. He is so much more matured than those idiots.
You look at her now with someone else and all you can think is how different she seemed on the phone, but the truth is that those are all your assumptions. You don’t know if she has changed, you haven’t experienced this supposed new her, and you have no idea what you are getting yourself into. But then, any romantic relationship requires a certain leap of faith, so I suppose there is nothing special about this either.
Look, you guys had a three hour conversation just few days back and this happened even though she has a new boyfriend. Now think about this for a second, how would you feel if your girlfriend were on the phone for three hours with her ex boyfriend of three years? Like shit, right? Here’s the thing, I don’t give damn about her current boyfriend. I’m telling you what I see so you could see the same. Your ex girlfriend is a habitual cheater and I don’t know why you can’t see that.
I don’t know if you can get her back, but I’m sure you can get her to sleep you again if you showered her with enough attention. Everything that you have told me about her screams that she craves attention and that’s her drug. Unlike most other break ups and most other girls, your best bet is probably to continue to shower her with your love until she breaks. I can’t say it with absolute certainty, but I don’t see why she wouldn’t cheat on her current boyfriend to be with you.
I’m not trying to offend you and I’m not trying to badmouth your ex girlfriend. Why would I? I don’t even know her. All I can do is to give you my honest take on your situation and I don’t see any good coming out of you getting back with her. But like I said, if you want her back, just do the opposite of what most guys have to do to get their ex girlfriends back. That’s it from me K2. Good bye for now.
Hi Pulse,
There are only so many reasons as to why she would unblock you from on Facebook, right? But let’s try to put this in perspective. She didn’t call you or text you to tell you something, but it’s only a change in her Facebook setting. Don’t respond to that or she will mess with your mind again. You know how I feel about you trying to get back with her, but whatever the case, don’t put too much stock on the Facebook unblock. Later Pulse.
Hello TK,
I’m all about second chances. Just look at this site, what do you think this site is all about? If you read the last paragraph of my last reply to you, there you’ll see I wasn’t blaming everything on you. Yes, you have fudged up a lot after the couple of cheating incidents and getting back with her again, but much of the blame on how you behaved had a lot to do with her cheating on you, twice. So you guys hurt each other a lot back and forth and that takes a toll on any relationship.
Like it or not, you played with her for four months until she decided she wasn’t going to continue that relationship with you. You got serious with her again only when she decided to end the fake relationship. You had four months to get over her cheating on you and to give her the same second chance you talk about now, but you haven’t. If you really loved her, then the motivation to start things over with her should have come in the four months you still had a chance.
Since we have everything out on the open, let’s get something straight. You do want her back and you do want her to break up with her new boyfriend. How do you expect to make anything happen if are not honest with yourself? If her happiness was all that mattered to you, then you would not be here trying to find a way to get her back.
I’m not some asshole on a high horse who preaches we should all be selfless. I like being happy and I want to be happy, if that means I need to break the heart of another man who wants my girlfriend, then so be it, I would crush him without hesitation to keep my girl by my side. That may not make me the nicest man in the world, but it will mean that I have the woman I love by my side and I have no intention of sharing my happiness when it comes to the love of my woman with any other man.
I’m all about sharing love, but not when it comes to the romantic kind. I have no problem admitting that I am selfish when it comes to the love of my woman, I do not share it with anyone and I don’t intend to give it up without a fight. I have big enough balls to admit the above. Read your first message and the last one again. Tell me that doesn’t look like a man who has no idea what he wants. I think you first need to figure out what you want and then maybe come back and talk to me again.
I’m not trying to be sarcastic, I really have no idea what you want now, there are too many contradictions in your messages that it’s hard for me to clearly know what you want. Well, that’s it from me for now. Take care.
Coach,
Thank you so much for taking the time to help out all these guys. You truly are a saint. Every website I’ve been to just gives general guidelines, but obviously it’s no help when it comes to unique situations and details.
Here’s my story. I was dating my ex for a year and about nine months. We started out right after we graduated from high school and just broke up on Easter. We were incredibly in love throughout our relationship. She was deeply in love with me, wanted to marry me, and wanted to have my children. I thought my life was set. Oh and she’s beautiful (it’s actually kind of important to note that). She’s gorgeous and has a great personality. Everyone she meets instantly likes her. Everything was going perfect until our anniversary. Instead of celebrating it with me, she wanted to go out dancing with her friends because the summer was ending (she’s in a club that lives on campus during the summer). I confronted her and told her that it hurt my feelings, and she did feel horrible about it after she thought it over. I made her go out dancing anyway, because I actually would’ve felt bad if I guilt-tripped her into celebrating our anniversary together. But she did feel bad about it. The reason this event was so important was because it caused me to do something that I greatly regret. Because my ex is so awesome and beautiful and outgoing, I got really insecure and worried that I just wasn’t good enough for her. For this reason, I started acting like I was different from her and probably like I was too cool for her or something. This went on for about six months until I guess she started feeling down about our relationship (which I can’t blame her because I know I was being dumb). What I don’t understand, however, is that she never told me how she was feeling. She never once told me that she was feeling sad or upset about our relationship. I can always tell when she’s feeling “off”, so I’d ask her if everything was ok, and she’d always say “yeah I’m fine.” I’m not a mind reader, so I just figured I was just reading too much into things. So I basically went along for two months, thinking that everything was fine, when on Easter day she told me she wanted to break up. Her reasons were that she didn’t love me the same way anymore, she thought we were “too different”, and that she doesn’t want a relationship at all right now. I felt horrible because I love this girl to death, and I can’t stand that she thinks we’re too different just because I was an idiot and made her think that way. The truth is, we’re perfect for each other. In the first year of our relationship, I gave her the real me and we both fell in love with each other.
Of course I had no idea how to react to a breakup since this was the first one I actually cared about, so I committed the common mistakes of emailing, texting (not that much texting, though), and talking in person. She’d respond to my emails saying that she just didn’t want to work things out. I don’t understand why, because if she loved me so much, why couldn’t she try one time to work things out? Now I realize, after reading countless breakup articles, that she agreed to talk in person the 3 times that we did so that way she could use those meetings as a means for getting over me. She said she felt bad about what she did and that she had trouble eating (could’ve been lying). After reading articles and realizing that what I was doing was wrong, I told her in my last email that I didn’t want to talk about it anymore or at least not for a while because I wanted her to enjoy her study abroad experience (because I genuinely did want her to enjoy it and because I figured it would make her think I wasn’t so desperate).
Then I noticed she was talking to this guy on Facebook quite alot. I asked her if there was anything going on, and she said “Lol no we’re just friends.” I didn’t make it seem like I was jealous, I just wanted to know what was going on. She was going to another country for study abroad for 5 weeks, and about a week after she left, it said on Facebook that they were in a relationship. It crushed me, seeing that she basically replaced me so quickly. She said she didn’t want to be in any relationship for a while, but then goes and starts dating this guy in less than a month. The thing is, this guy has the same interests and talks/thinks the same way I do, so I don’t know how she can say that she and I are “too different.” Her sister just graduated from college, and he went with her to the ceremony (basically replaced what would’ve have been my spot). The guy is chubby and looks like he’s 40 years old. I told her I was upset that she lied about it, but that I don’t mind her dating him and that I wish them the best. I never said anything bad about him and pretty much told her that I hope they’re happy. She said that she likes him, but that he feels much stronger about the relationship than she does, and that she still isn’t sure if she wants any relationship right now. She might’ve have been telling the truth, or she might’ve been lying to not make me mad or something. Either one seems plausible. This guy goes to the same school as her (different from mine) so it’s probably easier for her to introduce to her friends, and he probably even has alot of mutual friends. This probably just made her think that dating him was so easy and convenient. Also, I know the reason she was initially attracted to him was because while she was feeling down about our relationship and other things in her life, she was very vulnerable. She didn’t tell me anything, and this guy came in and probably made it seem like her knight in shining armor. He may be a nice guy, I don’t know. For all I know he doesn’t even realize that he took advantage of her, but he basically did. I just can’t tell if he’s a rebound or what, and hopefully you might be able to tell.
Since we broke up, I’ve been doing alot of work on myself. I’ve started working out alot, I got an internship along with another paying job, I started learning guitar, and I’ve been trying to hang out with my friends as much as possible. I’ve gotten rid of any insecurity that caused me to act the way I did with my ex. I feel much better about myself, but I still want my ex back because I feel like now that I’ve fixed myself, we can go back to the happiness we once had.
My ex comes back from her study abroad on Friday (June 24th). I haven’t had any contact with her in about a month, maybe a couple days less. She’s doing all the stuff with him on Facebook that she used to do with me. I was just wondering what my “plan of attack” should be, because I honestly have no idea. I’m worried the emails and talks right after we broke up hindered my chances of getting her back. I also can’t tell if the new guy is a rebound or not (they started officially dating about 3 weeks after we broke up). She comes back Friday, and my birthday is one week from then. I know she’ll probably send me a happy birthday text or something, so would that be a good time to ask her just to catch up (without mentioning the breakup or relationship)? Or should I just say thanks and continue with the no contact? I really don’t know, and like I said, I might’ve already shot myself in the foot. Also, would her going out of the country for the first month of her new relationship have any affect on her new relationship? I can’t decide if the distance would make her rethink things, or if it would just make her want to see him more. I don’t know the month away would prolong the honeymoon period or not.
I would greatly appreciate your help on this one coach. Sorry for writing so much. This girl made some less than stellar decisions as of late, but she’s still amazing and I love her deeply. I’d be happy to give you all the info you need. Thanks.
Rupert
Hey Coach:
So here is my rant. I was dating this girl for about 3 years, the first 2.5 years were a thing of beauty then it started falling apart. We continued to work on things. Then about 2 months ago I started to question her faithfulness. After some investigation I learned she had gotten back with her babies daddy and she really started treating me like crap. I confronted her and she denied it, yet everyday I would learn she spent the night at his house again and would ignore my calls all night, then tell me I was a psycho for texting at 10pm to say hi. So it got to the point she started telling me I was a paranoid schizophrenic, she kept doing this and making an excuse for her car being at her babies daddies. I started to question myself, then she really started hammering saying I needed help, I was hearing voices, etc. I really loved this girl and believed her, I started to wonder myself. Then I couldn’t sleep thinking I was schizophrenic, ultimately she ended up totally convincing me I was hearing voices, thinking not true thoughts, etc and I needed mental help. She is very convincing, I ended flying about 1K miles and checking into a mental facility, started on all sort of crack your mind out meds, they told me I wasn’t schizo after two days, thank god the meds were taken away and about 3 days later I felt normal again. I fly back home 1K miles and she was now living with this guy, the guy she led me to believe was all imagination. So now I can’t talk to her, see her, I can’t do anything or she says she is going to call the cops and get a restraining order for harrassement. She lied to the babies dad for 3 yrs about her and my relationship, so do I expose the truth, or will that be illegal. The guy has already threatened my life 3 times over the 3 yrs, everytime he suspected something he would call to say “I am going to end you”. Just a couple months ago she emailed telling me how nasty he is, how much she hates him, etc. Now she is living with him.
What can I do here, she has gained everything in this situation while everyone else has lost. I am so irrate I can’t even think straight. Is there anything legal that can be done with out her being able to call the cops for harrassment, etc? She needs to learn a lesson, legally…
Thank you
ive been marrieid 9 years and not happy. i was seeing another girl for 6 yrs during my marriage and am truely in love with her. and was the same. we even had two kids together. well she got tired of my lying. she lost her job. i had decided on getting the divorce and being with her. she said i was to late and she move out of state taking the kids with her. i really love her and want to be with her. she hasnt started seeing another person yet but she has some one in mind and they are spending alot of time together. we talk and argue over our relationship everday. she says we will not get back together but we will be parents. she says she still loves me and want to be friends. she says she is falling in love with him as well. she also says we will continue to have sex.
so whats youre opinion on the situation and what can i do to get her back. or do you need more details
Coach,
I’m not sure if you remember my story. I had posted here a couple times about a month or two ago. Anyways, you and I had I guess come to the conclusion that I needed to sit back and wait for my ex-girlfriends fling with the guy that had gotten between us to die out. I have been doing very well. Im feeling better, obviously still miss her but its getting better.
Anyways, a couple of days ago I was checking my email before I went to bed and I get an instant message from her. I’m not really sure what to make of this. It just said wes, I saw your sister the other day at this event she is so sweet. Then how are you. I saw it and didn’t really understand what that meant. We haven’t talked in about 4 weeks and even that was just once, so we have only communicated 1 or twice in about 2 months and even that was only through text. so I figured the sister thing was just a way to break the ice and for her to talk to me. Anyways I replied we talked for a little bit and I asked her how she was feeling. Im not sure if you remember but she has had some major health problems recently and had some pretty major surgery a couple months back. We actually broke up a day or two before her surgery but I was with her for all the preliminary stuff and when she was diagnosed and everything so I know how hard it has been and how bad it was. We talked a little bit directly after the surgery but not at all about since a week after. Anyways she says that she is doing ok she is still adjusting to medication and the problem may not be fully solved. Anyways I said I hope she knows that no matter what happened in the past I am always here for her if she needs me. This wasn’t any part of any plan to get her back or anything I really wanted her to know that. Anyways she goes off about how actions speak louder than words and our past as a couple is irrelevant that I could have at least texted her to see how she was doing. Gotten over my feelings and been there for her. That I should have been there unconditionally as a friend and all this stuff.
I told her when we broke up she told me she didn’t think it was the best idea for me to be involved in her life right now while she got healthy. That her health issues were bad and she couldn’t handle any more stress. I didn’t bring up the breakup, the guy or egg on any argument. I told her it wasn’t easy to just stay away but I did it out of respect and all this stuff. Anyways I ended the conversation with Im sorry you feel this way but I honestly thought it was what you wanted and needed. She said I just want to be honest with you about how I feel and she appreciates the offer from me that I am there for her. She said I hope to talk soon and I hope all is well. I said I appreciate your honesty and I am truly sorry that you feel this way it was not my intentions to abandon you but I did it because I thought it was what she wanted and needed.
I honestly don’t know what to make of this conversation. Is she really mad? If she is mad why did she even contact me to ask how im doing, ask if im still living in the same place and to tell me she hung out with my sister? I have no idea whats going on between her and that kid. I took her off my facebook account so that I didn’t have to see all their stuff. So I don’t know if they are still together or what. I actually feel pretty bad that she feels this way. Im thinking about sending her an email explaining why I stayed away. Bringing up that she told me she couldn’t deal with all of this but tell her that I did it because I needed to get away, cool off and move on from things. Is there anything I can put in this email to kind of get this moving along? Something like I needed to move on for good and while we aren’t going to be close again I still do care and will help her out with anything if she ever really needs it? I think there are probably some lines I can put in there that can get her mind racing and make her think that Im really gone and over it. Should I send the email at all?
I hope you remember my last few posts and that this even makes sense. Any explanation or tips would be much appreciated. Again sorry to bug you and post such a long story here but Im just as confused if not more than I was a couple months ago. Thanks again for all your help Coach.
Hello Rupert,
I apologize for the late reply to you and others who have been waiting for my response. I went on a short trip and even though I was able to monitor the site, I did not have the time to reply to any of you. You have my apologies. So anyways, let’s talk about you.
The first thing that sticks out like a sore thumb is the anniversary incident. I know there are some people who genuinely don’t care about anniversaries and these people could care less about their birthdays as well, so I know they are for real. However, since you didn’t mention anything about you and her having a conversation something to that effect, I have to believe that she genuinely felt that the summer finale clubbing was more important to her than her anniversary with you. Insensitive doesn’t begin to describe what she did to you on that day, that is mean and nasty and it doesn’t get much nastier than that.
So after the anniversary incident, you behaved like… no offense, but from how you describe you behaved like an idiot. You actually put up this silly (I’m being polite) act for six months and incredibly enough, your ex girlfriend who didn’t even spend the anniversary with you, she actually put up with your silly behavior for half a year. What surprises me from this incident is how you justify that somehow she was partly responsible for how long you dragged on with your act, because she wouldn’t speak to you about it. Did it matter though? You already knew you were behaving like a child and you really didn’t need your ex girlfriend to tell you that.
To continue with your six months of stupidity and I quote “I can always tell when she’s feeling “off”, so I’d ask her if everything was ok, and she’d always say “yeah I’m fine.” I’m not a mind reader, so I just figured I was just reading too much into things.” Are you for real Rupert? You said you were acting real dumb and you said it went on for six months. I have no idea what you are talking about. So when she said she was fine, did you actually think that she was enjoying what you were putting her through? Why would you have to read her mind? You already knew you were being irritating and mean. Why would you expect someone or anyone would be fine with that?
You have to understand that both the first year boyfriend and the dumbass boyfriend of the second year were the same guy, you. You didn’t give her the real you in the first year, but rather that’s how good of a boyfriend you can be, and second year is how idiot of a boyfriend you can be as well. They are both you. Saying that you weren’t yourself after making a terrible mistake is a poor excuse. You have to accept that you can be just as petty as you were in the second year, but at your best, you can be the person you describe as being the real you. I know I can be a real big asshole sometimes and knowing that helps me keep myself in check better, you should keep that in mind as well.
When she broke up with you, I think she refused to give you another chance because you had plenty for eight months. Six months of acting dumb and after you had that brief discussion with her, you then continued to behave the same way for another two months. So it isn’t as if she stopped loving you without any warning, this break up was in the making for months prior to it actually happening. What she did to you on your anniversary was rude and uncaring, but what you did after the fact was far worse than what she had done.
What you did after the break up didn’t really help your situation, but in your case I think the major damages had already been done while you were still together. I think her new boyfriend is a rebound in a sense that she probably knows she has no realistic future with a guy from another country. But she probably knew that from the beginning of the relationship and I think she is real comfortable with her situation currently. Needless to say, right now is not the time to be calling her to catch up. I think the initial contact would be more ideal if it came from her.
If you receive a “happy birthday” text from her, yeah, I suppose a simple thank you and a welcome back would be a suitable reply. Other than that, I would advise that you don’t initiate a serious conversation with her. You acted very selfishly in the last eight months of your relationship and that makes it very tricky to continue a no contact with her. I think you should answer her calls if she calls you, but just make sure you don’t bring up anything about getting back together or about the break up, that conversation ideally she would have to start. Let’s see how she behaves when she comes back and we can make better decisions then. I’ll talk to you in a few days then. Goodbye.
Hey coach,
My girlfriend broke up with me 4 months ago after being with me for two years,saying that she was no longer in love with me, but it was really so she could get with a new guy that I knew she liked for a while. I don’t deny that she probably did fall out of love with me, but then two weeks later she had a new boyfriend, so I left them alone, there were a few comments that I said that I knew would upset them, but I spoke to her yesterday and she was perfectly friendly with me, and she hadn’t spoken to me for that length of time in a long time. She also told me that she had a dream about me the night before, then last night she broke up with her boyfriend. I texted her saying, hi I saw what happened on facebook, If you need a friend to talk to I’m here, no funny intentions. Hope you’re okay. I want to get back in her life. I love her. What can I do. How can I rekindle the flame without seeming stalkery?
hey coach,
thamk you for your article and assistance.
i dated a girl for 2 years. she was my first love and i her first love too. we really loved each other and at some point the relationship became long distance because of our studies, though we could meet after 4 months. she however had a male friend whom she always spent time with and could talk long via phone. each time i enquired, she told that they are just friends and even confessed that she didn’t love him infront of him. the guy knew me too well and knew we had a strong relationship. i decided to let her go and she was completely broken. aftre a week she dated this guy and they have been together for the 2 years we have been apart. now i miss her soo much and we no longer communicate. is there a chance for me to get her back?
please help.
faddy
Coach,
Thanks so much for the reply. You’re not being an asshole at all. I sincerely appreciate and accept your honesty. I need it in order to figure out myself and figure out how to get my ex back. You’re honest answers are why I came to you. However, I think a few things were misunderstood.
I agree that the way I behaved was completely idiotic. I regretted everything throughout the way. I don’t know why, but my (stupid) logic was that if I was myself (who is exactly like her), she’d get bored with me or find me uninteresting. That’s why I acted like we were different. Believe me, I realize how dumb that was. The second year I did stupid things, but we still were happy for the most part (I wasn’t over the top with my stupidity like it sounds). I wasn’t this idiotic person the whole time, either. It wasn’t like I completely flipped a switch and became a completely different person, but I can see how it sounded like that. I was the idiot boyfriend for some of the time, but not all, and I guess that’s why she stayed with me for so long after our anniversary. But I realize that any amount of the idiot boyfriend is wrong and I guess it was enough to push her away. And I definitely agree that I should’ve realized my stupidity a long time ago. Trust me, I know what I did was stupid, and I’ve been working on myself to make sure that doesn’t happen again. I understand that the petty behavior was a part of me, but I’ve been working alot to get rid of it. I realize that the second year boyfriend was the low potential I have, and I’m working to get rid of that as well. I just want to show her that I’ve realized what I did was stupid and that we’re capable of getting back to the happiness we once had.
The brief discussion we had when I asked her if she was ok and she said “yeah I’m fine” wasn’t two months before the breakup. It was only about a week or two before she broke up with me. After re-reading my first post, I see how I made it seem like it was 2 months before. What I meant was, she started feeling down about our relationship about two months before our breakup, and in that two months she didn’t tell me anything. I know this now because she told me after we broke up. But all the other times when I could tell she was upset, she’d say she was fine or just worn out from work or school.
About our anniversary night, I could tell she really did feel bad about it after I confronted her. She cried alot after we talked and she was telling me she felt horrible. I do honestly believe she felt bad, but I still realize it was rude and it still hurt me alot.
Another thing that I think was misunderstood: her new boyfriend isn’t from another country. He’s from our city and goes to the same university as her. They became friends at the very end of our relationship, and I guess once she started feeling upset about us, she went to him for comfort when she was vulnerable. This is why I think she was initially attracted to him. Instead of telling me she was upset, she hid everything from me and went to him. He goes to the same school and is friends with alot of her friends, so this probably fueled the attraction. But about the out of the country part, at the end of May she went on a study abroad trip. So her new boyfriend was still here and she went out of the country until today. So he’s not from a different country. My question was will this first month apart have any affect on their relationship? They talked alot of Facebook and I would imagine on the phone too while she was gone. And they’re making (minor) plans and all that for when she gets back. When they put it up on Facebook that they were in relationship, she blocked me from seeing her status. She didn’t block me from her altogether, just from me seeing what her relationship status was and pictures they had taken together. Is there any hidden reason for that, like she cared enough not to hurt my feelings? Or was it simply because she wanted to avoid confrontation? I told her that it didn’t make sense to block me, because we had mutual friends and they all could see it so it wasn’t like she could hide it from me forever. It was incredibly embarrassing to get texts and phone calls from people asking me what the hell is going on (because not many people knew we broke up) and I was oblivious because she blocked me. I told her if she was that worried about me seeing her status, then she should just unfriend me completely. After that she unblocked me. Is it too early to think that they are for real and I’m just overreacting? Or is this evidence of a real relationship? Like I said, she told me that he felt stronger about the relationship than she does and that she still isn’t sure if she wants to be in any relationship right now, but everything they do on Facebook (which I realize isn’t always the best indicator) seems like she’s really into it. Like I mentioned, I really think the initial attraction was because she was vulnerable and he basically swooped in and made it seem like he was an angel. And the fact that he goes to the same school and knows alot of her friends just made things convenient. Would there ever be a time to mention this to her (that her new relationship is just based on convenience)? I definitely know not to mention it in the foreseeable future because that will just anger her and increase their attraction, but would there ever be a time to mention it down the road? And the fact that this guy is just like me shows that the whole “we’re too different” excuse she gave me wasn’t true. Almost everything this guy does or says is something she knows I do or say. And I’m sure she realizes that he and I have a bunch of the same interests. Would there ever be a time to mention this a long time from now either? The reason I ask is because I’m not positive that she’ll be able to realize it on her own, especially since her friends will probably encourage her to stay with him. It’s not that her friends didn’t like me. I was always nice to them. But they know him better so they’ll probably side with him over me. And I’m sure she’s had to discuss our relationship with them already and will get more questions once she gets back, so I’m worried it will just keep pushing her away from me and towards him.
I agree what I did was stupid, but at the same time she really never showed any indication that she was unhappy. Like I said, whenever she looked like she was upset, I’d ask her if she was and she’d say she was fine or she’d say she was worn out from work or school. You’re right, I knew I was being an idiot, and that alone should’ve been enough for me to change. All I meant was that I wish she would’ve told me just once that she was upset. Then I would’ve known right then and there that my act was backfiring. I know I should’ve realized that on my own and I’m filled with regret that I let it continue to hurt the person I love. Nobody is more angry about my behavior than I am, so I just want you to know that I’m not defending what I did in any way.
One more thing: we took each other’s virginity and sex was always important to the both of us, especially her. We always had trouble finding time to have sex because we both live with our parents and had work and school, so that kind of made each time more special. She said she started feeling upset about our relationship about two months before we broke up, yet only a week before we broke up she was excitedly planning the next time we could have sex. I just find it hard to believe that she’d be so excited to have sex with me if she didn’t have any feelings for me, because she’s not the type of person to go to bed with just anyone. That’s another reason why I still think she has feelings for me, and they’re just buried under the negative ones that the idiot boyfriend piled on top. Is there anything to take from this?
I was never planning on initiating any contact. I haven’t had any contact with her in a month, and I was just saying that I would imagine she’ll send me a “happy birthday” text next Friday. My question was should I just say thank you and leave it at that, or should I ask her if she wants to catch up? I know not to ever bring up the relationship or breakup again. I just wanted to catch up to hear about her trip and see how her family is doing. You answered the question anyway, but I just wanted to clear things up. I highly doubt she’ll call me, but if she does I know to act normal and not have any serious relationship conversations with her. I agree that I messed things up as far as having a set plan and you said no contact will be tricky, but I’m still confused as to what I’m supposed to do. Do I just wait for her and that’s it? Do I just wait until her new relationship dwindles (if it ever does)? Or is there another option? I know me initiating any contact out of the blue is not the way to go, but I just don’t know what my alternatives are.
Like I said, I completely understand how stupid I was. Stupid isn’t even a strong enough word. I should’ve realized what I was doing was wrong, and I should’ve never let it happen to begin with. This girl wanted to marry me and have my kids. She even kept saying that up until the last couple months of our relationship. That’s why I can’t let her go without trying to show her that I’ve realized what an idiot I was and that I’ve gotten rid of a possibility of history repeating itself. Thanks for your reply coach. Sorry I keep writing so much.
Rupert
Hello Curious,
First off, I don’t dispense legal advice of any kind and there’s a good reason for it, I’m not a lawyer. What she did to you was heinous, but I can’t comment on what the law will have to say about that. I will tell you this though, the sooner you end all ties with this woman the better for you. Somehow, I doubt that she will learn anything no matter what sort of “lesson” you would try to teach her. I’m sorry, but I can’t comment any further. Good luck.
Hello, I was in a relationship for 14 months with my ex girlfriend, everything was great until the last maybe four months. We fell in love the first time we saw one another, and from that moment we were never apart from one another unless she had to work or i had to work. If we went an hour with out one another we would be miserable, i mean we were just really close and in love. Every relatonships has its ups and downs…we argued, and then we would make up of course. Financial issues came about, she was in schoool to much and had little time for me and her daughter…..so she says! well long story short, being intimate was slowly going away, we began to sleep on opposite sides, and not in one anothers arms as we did the entire relationship, and then, after school she would say she is going to chill with friends and come home at 2 and 3 in the morning. I got fed up with it and asked what was going on, and thats when she argued and said we needed a break. not even a day had passed and she broke up with me….there was another person coming to our house noteven a day later after we broke up. So now this person is seeing her, and i think they were seeing one another before we broke up because she brought the person to our house not even a day after we broke up, and the person has been coming everyday and night. We were talking on and off about bills after we broke up, and sometime she would text me to see what im doing, or how im doing. 3 weeks after the break up at 2 in the morning i get a text saying “i really do miss you”. i said i miss u also. now, iveseen her since but she acts like she doesnt want me to touch her, and acts like she just kind of mad at me or disgusted in me. But she initiates the meet ups. Like we have a puppy, and she kept it, she calls me to meet up so i can see the puppy, but she gives me these ugly faces. Even though she left me and is with someone else i want her back. i can remember when she told me she would never hurt me and that i was her world, and completed her life and she loved me to death. but then she leaves
any advice on this Coach. The tought of her with someelse just kills me inside.
Hello gottagetmo,
No offense, but it seems like you have made quite a mess of your relationships. Married for nine years and the last six of them you had another woman on the side and you had two children with her. It’s no wonder why she said it was too late for you guys, but she’s not that much better is she? I mean, she let you get away with it for six long years.
It’s really a pitiful excuse to say that you cheated because you weren’t happy in your marriage. People make it sound so complicated to avoid responsibilities for their actions, but if you are not happy, all you need to do is to end it and this is especially true if you have someone else you love. But you know, I’m clueless as to why she told you she would continue to have sex with you even though she claims to be falling in love with another man. Hmmm… I think this is beyond my level of comprehension. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can be of any help to you. Bye then.
thanks for even reading and considering, but any little advice would help
Hey Wesserj,
Of course I remember you, it’s only been some twenty days since the last time we spoke and I remember your story very well. By the way, you are sorry to bug me and sorry for the long message? Why? Don’t be. What use is this site if I can’t offer my help and how would I understand your situation better if you didn’t put a good effort to explain your situation? I would have to guess that people ask for my advice after reading the previous Q&As on this site and for that, I feel privileged to be asked of my opinion and I always appreciate those who take the time to write down all relevant information that can help me understand their situation better. So thank you, I really mean that.
So about this latest chat you had with your ex girlfriend, she is definitely not mad at you and you must not show too strong of a reaction to this right now. She went through some rough time in her life and she missed you, that is what’s happening here. You guys were together for 5 years and no matter how much she might have liked the kid, there is no comparing the sort love and support she could gotten from you had you guys been together. She is a sense “testing the water” by half heatedly pretending to be mad at you for not reaching out to her during her operations and whatnot.
If I remember correctly, you did offer to help her in anything that she needed and you told her to let you know if she needed you. I think she basically said thank you and that was the end of the story. If I can remember this from the top of my head, then trust me she remembers it just as well. You can send her an email, in fact, that’s a good idea. Make it as brief as you can without making it seem too uncaring and insincere. It is very important that you are able to convey the message without going into every itty-bitty detail of things. The message itself can be caring, but get straight to the point and give it a dual persona. Caring but distant, it can be both and you need it to be both.
Let me give you an example. If you are writing an email to your girlfriend say from overseas, then you will mention all sorts of mundane details like the weather, the local attraction, the people, and so on. You add those inconsequential details so that she knows you care to tell her about how you are and because you want her to know that you want to share every experience with her. Well, imagine you drafted your email in a different manner. In that letter you would mention how much you love her and how much you miss her, but you purposely omit your everyday experience. This letter will evoke two different emotions. One, she will be curious and two, she will be angry at you.
You want to incite strong emotions from your ex girlfriend and it’s fine if that’s anger for as long as is a strong emotion. You don’t want to incite disgust or hate, but do not concern yourself over it, this message will in no way bring out those emotions in her. Just tell her that you are sorry she felt abandoned, then explain to her that you did offer to be there for her and that she replied to that with a simple thank you, then tell her that you actually appreciated her for that because you were able to move on faster, and that you are glad you guys are friends again. That’s it, keep it simple, tidy, and to the point.
You might think that it’s a bit risky to tell her that you have moved on, but you have to trust me on this, there is absolutely no halfassing this. You go for all in or nothing or all you’ll end up is with a mediocre result. Mediocre is just a polite way of saying failure and I’m sure you don’t want that. This is the chance you’ve been waiting for and it doesn’t matter that the kid is still with her or not. If you play your cards right, with a little luck she’ll come back to you regardless of her current relationship and her latest move made that pretty clear. Get it done, let me know how it went, and we’ll talk more afterwards. Good luck and talk to you soon.
Hello Josh,
You do understand that you told me a very generic break up story, right? So anyways, I’ll warn you in advance I can only give you a generic response.
When you told her and I quote “If you need a friend to talk to I’m here, no funny intentions”, you basically spelled out to her that you were still in love with her. Bad idea, you should never make your intension so obvious to your ex girlfriend if you intend to win her back.
I only know this much about your relationship, the break up, and post break up. Give me some more details Josh, I don’t read mind and especially not over fiber optic cables. Bye for now.
Hello faddy,
It’s been two years since the break up, you have to let this go and start living your life my friend. Funniest things happen in life and at times couples from years back get back together by chance, but the odds of something like that happening is astronomical and you can’t live your life hoping for luck only. I’m sorry faddy, but it’s been too long and I can’t help you get her back. Take care of yourself.
Hey need some help. Went out with a girl for a little bit over a year, got a dog together and new place together. @ months after that she dumped me because of our dog chewing up things, my best friend annoying her, very little was said that was about me. We tried the living thing together for about a month, didnt work. I was stupid and played the desperate idiot. however i still see her at least once a week because we still frequent the same bars. She has been going out with a new guy for the last 3 months (we broke up 4 months ago) I cant stop wanting her, ive tried the rebound thing and it didnt help. I have been civil with her for about a month other than the other night when her new bf accompained her to a private bar her and i belong too at which point i “politely” asked him to not return to that bar and that i wouldnt care if i got banned, she spoke up on his behalf. I know this girl really loved me, she told me and her friends she was afraid of being hurt because of how much she had fallen for me. I know i have pushed her away since we broke up. When i was with her the best part of every day was falling asleep with her in my arms. What is my best course of action that gives me any chance to get that back
Hi Coach, I’m back
Basically we were together for two years, and after about 3 months we started to take each other for granted, especially me, in fact we moved in together at my parents house so that it wouldnt take her 2 hours to get to the college that she goes to, the one that I am also at. Even though we are both 17 and 19, I understand that this was a bit too much. She says the reason that we broke up is because she felt suffocated and like a housewife. She used to do my washing for me, and me being the lazy arse that I am I didn’t give too much back. So we went on college exchange trips, one to spain for her and mine was to germany. We had a day together in between, and it was great, she told me that she missed me. Then when I got back from Germany, that day she came to my house and broke up with me, saying that it had all become too much and that she wasn’t in love with me anymore. She had been talking to a guy called Lewis for a while, and I had made it obvious that I was jealous. Anyway two weeks after we broke up, her and Lewis became an item, which is obvious now that it was a rebound. Unfortunately I said a lot of stuff that I didn’t mean, I slagged him off, after finding out that he had cheated on his last two girlfriends. I didn’t tell her this, but someone overheard me talking to my best friend about it, and so she wasn’t pleased with me. In may, she had a party for the Eurovision song contest. I wasn’t invited obviously and I was quite annoyed as all my friends were going to be there and the cat that we had bought together was still at her house and I saw this as my last chance to ever get to see him. Anyway, the night of the party, a friend texted me really upset saying that she was on her way home and that my ex had kicked her out. She then rang me crying and drunk, wanting to know what was wrong, so I texted my ex saying “I don’t know what you and Lewis have done but Fran is really really upset” she didn’t text back but I found out that she was really annoyed with me days after. Anyways on Friday, the morning before she broke up with Lewis, I explained to her that I didn’t mean to be so blunt, and she said it’s OK and she understood. Then she said that she had a dream about me last night and smiled at me like she used to, then said things weren’t going too well with her boyfriend. It was the longest that she had spoken to me solely in four months, and it seemed that she was really interested in what I had to say. That night she broke up with him, and I found out through facebook. So I sent her the text saying if she needed a friend at that’s it, I haven’t seen or spoken to her since. Anyway, I am going into college tomorrow to go the gym and I will see her then. I don’t know what to say or do, because all I can concentrate on is how to get back into my life but unfortunately experience has taught me that just telling her I love her and I want her back will have negative effects.
Hey Rupert,
I’m sorry for the late reply. I wasn’t able to answer many questions because of the weekends and all, so I hope you can understand. Anyways, I’ve come to understand your situation much better after reading your second message. It helped clear some things up and I’ve also learned that I misunderstood couple of key details.
I think the new boyfriend is most likely a rebound. When an ex girlfriend openly admits to not being so into her new boyfriend to her ex boyfriend, that usually spells doom for the new guy. As for when they might break up, it’s hard to put a number, but I don’t think the relationship will lasts more than two months (counting from the day she came back from abroad). If it goes beyond two months, then he’s probably there to stay and it will mean that you’d have to move on.
As far as their status update on Facebook is concerned, just look at the bs people post on their Facebook walls and tell me that it’s a good place to have an accurate gauge on someone. Keep things simple and don’t bother yourself with the business of rumors. When you are dealing with an emotionally charged situation, it is always best to deal with facts rather than rumors and conjectures. Blocking or unblocking, posting pictures of the new boyfriend, and mentioning how happy they are, it will drive you mad if you try to find the reasons and the meaning of them all. Worst of all, no matter what sort of conclusion you come up with, they are still merely based on assumptions.
The other two questions you had, about mentioning to her how she got herself the new boyfriend out of convenience and about how similar you and the new guy are, don’t ever tell her that if you plan to win her back. There is not going to be a good time to mention them, not now or ever. Don’t tell her that even if you do get her back one day, I’m not going to go in full detail as to why, but she will feel much disrespected if you ever mention them. Some things are better left unsaid regardless of whether or not they are true.
I know she came back on the 24th, so counting from that day I want you to go completely dark for the next thirty days. Give her some time to make the initial move and allow her new relationship to progress without any interruption. Don’t answer her calls and do not call her before the thirty days are up. Reply to her calls with a text or even an email if you’d like, but keep it short and mundane. You are probably asking, “What if she calls like half a dozen times?” well, use common sense. I say this to people all the time. I can’t prepare them for every situation, so if your ex girlfriend calls you 5-6 times in a span of an hour or so, then she obviously has something important to say. Capish?
To sum up, it is my opinion that you should keep a complete no contact, it should last thirty days, ideally she should contact you within the thirty days time frame, and nothing good will come out of you trying to win her back right now. Give it time Rupert, it is the only way to get a better idea of what we are up against and you’ll be able to make real decisions when the thirty days are up. That’s it for now, talk to you soon Rupert.
Coach,
Thanks so much for your advice. Don’t worry about the late response. The fact that you respond at all shows you are a one of a kind guy. I think I speak for every guy that visits this site when I say that we appreciate every response you make.
I’ve taken what you said into account, and I’ve done alot of thinking. I realize now how much everything was my fault. I’ve realized exactly what I did, why I did it, and what the consequences were. I couldn’t have realized them without your help, so I am forever grateful. In my journey to clarity, I feel horrible for letting my relationship slip away. I feel like I need to apologize to my ex. I don’t know if I should write a letter or meet in person (although I doubt having a serious conversation like that would be the best way to spend our first meeting together, if we ever meet again anyway). I’ve written up an apology letter, but then I saw that you recommended the no contact course of action, so I won’t send it or ask to meet with her. Unlike some of the guys who ask for your advice, and then do the opposite of what you say, I have a tremendous amount of respect for your expertise so I’m going to follow your advice.
As for her saying she wasn’t that into her new relationship, I’m not sure if she was telling the truth. I know you said not to worry about Facebook stuff, and I agree with you, but the day after she got back she went over to his house and took pictures with him. Like she couldn’t wait to get back and see him. Meanwhile she’s done absolutely nothing in the way of contacting me. So, I’m just not positive she actually meant what she said, or if she just told me those things in order to avoid me getting upset. I guess only time will tell.
For now, I’m going to follow your advice and go with the no contact. I think one reason I’ve been able to go no contact for the past month and a half is because I’ve been busy working on myself. So that’s kept me from collapsing and contacting her. And I have your website to thank for that.
I have one random situational question. My ex and I usually play beach volleyball at the same place. We’ve been playing since we started dating. I still go about once a week, and I have a feeling one day she’ll ask me if it’s ok if she goes. My question is, how do I respond to that? I obviously want her to go. I have no problem with her going. Should I pretend like I don’t care at all? Or should I sound happy to have her? And what if she asks if her new boyfriend can come? As much as I don’t want him to come, I don’t want to make it seem like I’m a wuss and tell her not to bring him. Like you said, I was very stupid and selfish at the end of my relationship, so I can’t exactly do the normal no contact/act like I don’t care about her routine (or can I?). I’m still just a little curious about a few things. But I’m going to follow your advice and do the no contact for the next 30 days.
Thanks for your help,
Rupert
Oh and a couple more things. I mentioned this before, but if she texts me something on my birthday, am I still just saying “thanks. welcome back”? Or is there anything else I should say? Also, her birthday is on at the end of July. Do I wish her a happy birthday, or just not contact her at all?
Sorry for asking these little questions, but it’s the minor details and scenarios that I’m more clueless about.
Rupert
Hello Lesb,
You know, some people say that everything is better in moderation and although I agree that the statement holds true for the most part, I don’t necessarily agree with the “everything”. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, I do believe there has to be moderation in the amount of time spent together. The first two or three months and at times even the first six months of a new relationship, you find that couples spend excessive amount of time together. They do however slow down eventually and are able to find the pace and the rhythm in which the relationship could last.
You and your ex girlfriend might have spent too much time together in the first twelve months of your relationship and it was just matter of time before one of you would get bored of the partner. Pardon my French, but women are offered dicks all the time and what you see happening in probably nine out of ten times in these situation, is that the girl moves on to something new and exciting and the guy is left wondering what the hell happened to him. To be brutally honest though, you should have seen it coming and you should know better than to spend every waking hour of your time with your girlfriend.
She got bored of you Lesb and it’s as simple as that. So to start things off, you have to start playing hard to get without making it look so obvious. Be yourself when she calls you to arrange the meet ups, but make sure you turn her down on every occasion. You don’t need the no contact strategy, but you do need to keep her from seeing your boring old ass. While at it, you may want to consider some makeover. You don’t have to spend thousands to look a bit different, a different hair-do should cost you less than a hundred and a few sets of wardrobes at an outlet could be had with less than five. Besides, you can continue to wear them regardless of what happens with your ex girlfriend
.
To be honest with you though, by the time she finds you interesting again, you would have probably moved on long ago. I’m not saying that she couldn’t or wouldn’t start seeing you differently sooner than I expect her to, but this is how it generally works when couples to break up because of the passion fizzling. I don’t know what you will ultimately want to do with your ex girlfriend, but whatever decision you make it is probably best that you stop seeing her right now. That’s it from me Lesb, you know where to find me if you would like to talk more. Goodbye.
Hello gottagetmo,
I’m sorry, but your situation isn’t something that I can help with. Good luck.
Hey Coach,
I was with my ex for 3 years and we moved into together last year and within months things just started to fall apart, see missed being close to her family and friends even though we were just 15km down the road.
Anyway after 3 months she left and went home and until the rental on the apartment was finished, we still did things together and proved the spark was still alive. Then once the apartment was given back and I moved within weeks she decided best we went our seperate ways. I was devastated because I proved to her things were still good between us, so I didn’t understand. I tried to fight for her but I think its pushed her further away its been about 6 months or so and just found out she is casually dating someone at work. Its broke my heart but I now don’t know whether I should just give up on all this or give her time and space, so what develops. She said after all the makes her feel sick about committing to someone but I don’t know where to go from here. I thought she was the one I’m 26 she has just turned 24.
Hope you can give me some advice
Russ
hey coach,
hope you are well, 1st time on this but read your replies and honestly feel you are genuine
heres my story, met a girl who i fell in tital love with, treated her like my princess and went on holidays with her but i just sensed she was never into me as much as i was with her. we had our fallings out but it was always her that started it and not me. i know she has had only one boyfirend (high school sweetheart who she says she loved dearly) however he was a total ass to her, mentally and physically hit her.
she ended our relationship in novemebner and i got to know by decenmber she is engaged to him.
i let it go, hurt and devasted but then in feb 11, she came back saying she made the biggest mistake of her life and that she loved me. i took her back knowing she was still engaged but our plan was to keep it quiet until she told family that she did not want to marry this other guy.
late march, he mum got to know about me and due to pride and embarrassment , she advised her daughter to stay away from me and still marry the other guy. my girlfirend once again ended it and said she want to fulfil her mums happiness.. hurt and devested again, i walked away but yet i cant stop thinking about her and love her so much
in may, i called her asking how she is and so forth…she said that she doesnt love me anymore and that alot has changed in the 2 months we havent spoken, she also said that when she was with me, she kept thinking about her childhood sweetheart even though he was a ass!!!.
i havent spoken to her since then but just kinda feel she is unhappy. apparently from a mutal friend, the wedding is still going ahead in july / aug 2012.
i feel so lost
i am 25 yrs and she is 23… i know she is young but i never pressured her to get with me or force her
what can i do?
Hey coach,
It’s been almost 2 years since she dumped me and yet I still have feelings for her. Recently She texted me after a more than a year of no contact (i was surprised)Then we texted each other. I was joking that I still love her then when I really said that I meant it, she said she is not a good person for me, her love is a fickle, she also said that she liked me but didn’t love me, she also said that she wants only to be friends with me. Any advice???I am really a shy person.
Jeremy
Hello Andrew,
I don’t need you to tell me your entire life story, but you have to give me a little more than we had dog together and she disliked my friends, if you want me to give you any sort of meaningful reply. You compressed the story of the twelve months you spent with your girlfriend in just few sentences and you are expecting me to tell you how you could win her back. Sorry Andrew, but I’m not in the business of mind reading. I’ll need more details, OK? Bye for now.
Hello Josh,
Unfortunately for you, your ex girlfriend spoke to you for as long as she did (on the 23rd) because she wasn’t doing well with her boyfriend (or ex boyfriend) and not because she wanted to catch up with you. If what you heard about the new boyfriend is correct, then it’s likely that your ex got dumped by him and she probably needed an ego boost. And who would charge up her ego better than the ex boyfriend she dumped?
You could have let her vent a little, but you shouldn’t have let her talk to you for as long as you did. And the part where you said if you ever need a friend, there’s no place for that kind of line if you wish to win her back one day. This is what you did. First you played the role of her personal cheerleader and when you were done cheering her up, you then told her you’ll be ready on the sideline with the cheer bonbons and the “team ex girlfriend” costume in case she you needs you again.
You basically spelled out to her “I am still madly in love with you” and you added a little extra sprinkle on top by telling her “I don’t need dignity if I don’t have you”. Women like to cry on the shoulder of the guys that they could use like a disposable diaper, but they will never fuck these guys. Pardon the French, but you need to be explicit to explain some of these things. So anyways, they cry on guys like you after getting dumped by guys like Lewis, so Lewis gets to fuck the girl and you get to play the handkerchief.
I’m obviously not telling you to be like Lewis, but there is something to learn from guys like that. It may be that your desperation to get her back is making you act this way, but you have to present a little more challenge than your present-self if you hope to make her feel attracted to you again. You can see her anytime you want since you guys attend the same college, so I would suggest you start things out by stop trying to be the best friend.
Be your normal self when she’s around, but don’t try to initiate a conversation and most of all, don’t let her use you as her personal shrink of sort. Let me put it this way, I’d rather castrate myself than to listen to my ex girlfriend cry about her boyfriend and their problems. If she treats you like shit because you let her, then you only have yourself to blame. It’s time to change them worn out balls of yours to a pair of platinum balls. Change of attitude, that’s what you need before you do anything.
P.S. – Next time you get to live with your girl again, do your own laundry, OK?
Hello Jeremy,
People do all sorts of weird things just because they felt like doing it for whatever reason they may have had. The text you received from your ex girlfriend, it’s probably nothing more than just some random impulsive act on her part.
You also sort of shot yourself on the foot by giving her too much information a little too fast. People don’t like to be rushed into things. The next time someone you like initiates a conversation with you, be sure to not spill your guts right away and don’t make her feel like she’s being rushed into things. Let it go Jeremy.
Coach,
My ex and I broke up two months ago, stating that she had some personal issues to deal with and didn’t feel like she could be in a relationship. I was away at school when she did it so we agreed to talk in person once I got back home. I did the NC thing for about two weeks until I was settled back in at home. We ended up meeting up and talking about the relationship and helping her with her problems. I told her I wanted to help her as much as I can through it, but she wanted to deal with it solely, so we agreed that we would take some space from each other but keep light contact, even hangout for the next while.
After the hangout, a week went by and I tried calling her to get the voicemail and left a simple msg on it. About 5-6 days later she calls me up at 11:30 am on a wednesday while I’m at work. She asked me what I was doing, I said I was working, and said she saw I called and asked what it was about. I simply told her I wanted to see how she was doing. From there she told me things were not getting better and actually worse. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me it was a long story. I ask her again as I’m concerned and gave me the same answer. So I ask if we can speak when she gets off of work, where she then tells me it has to do with that. So I ask her if we can meet up/talk that night, and she states that she can’t as she needed to meet a good friend who helped her get jobs in the past. With that we agree that I would call in the next two days to arrange something. The next night I try calling and get nothing from her. So the next day I call her to see if she wanted to meet up/talk that night and she stated that she might go to a party that night and she would have to let me know and if she couldn’t we could meet up another day that weekend. Later that day she indicates that she is going to the party, so I dont think much of it. The following day I texted to say ‘Hope you had a fun time, what are you up to today/tonight?’ and I don’t get a reply back. Over the next three weeks I tried calling her three times and texted her twice as I figured light contact was still best.
About three weeks ago I got to a boiling point where I was concerned since I had not heard from her in awhile. So I called and got no reply. With that I thought I had to get a bit more direct, so I facebook messaged her two bestfriends to find out if she is ok. The one ignored me, but the other responded back saying she was, and that she knew I was trying to support and keep in contact with her and the friend even sympathized for my situation. That very same day, my ex decided to delete me and one of our pictures off of facebook.
Since the message from the friend and the facebook delete I have not tried to contact her, nor have I received contact from her. However, today I got some bad news. I was on facebook and inadvertently saw a mutual friend of ours make a comment on another guy’s wall. My curiousity got the best of me so I checked it out, only to find out that my ex has started seeing this other guy. My initial reaction was to freak out and go biserks, however I kept myself calm and haven’t reacted or anything towards her.
I know it is long coach, but I can’t help to ask a few things…..a) Did I blow my one and only chance to get her back with the help phone call I received? B) How do I get her to start talking to me again? C) With her dating this new guy, which seems to be a rebound thing, what can I do to still have a chance to win her back? Please help as I seem to be running in circles here
Opps, forgot to mention. Her and I went out for 3 1/2 years where we had two break ups before for about a month each
Hello Rupert,
Since you wrote the apology letter already, let’s not waste it and instead let’s try to make a good use of it. I want you to send that letter, but you might have to make some changes to the contents. First, it has to be as brief as it can be. Find a way to say what you have to say in as few words as possible and don’t make the apology read as if you just killed someone.
To give you an example, let’s say that you want to apologize to her for being an ass after the anniversary incident. Now, instead of telling her how sorry you are for being such an asshole for those six months, you can instead tell her how much you have learned about yourself from that experience and that you’ve become a better man for it. Don’t make the letter read; negative-negative-I’m sorry and instead make it read negative-positive-I’m sorry.
Mail the letter and do not deliver it in person. I say this again and again to everyone who writes apology letters, but I’ll stress it again, you do not want to be seen wondering around your ex girlfriend’s neighborhood. You could be an American, British, New Zealander, South African, or an Aussie, so I don’t know exactly how your people say it, post it or mail it, just don’t deliver it in person.
Keep in mind that this is an apology letter and it should be drafted as such. I know you are smart enough to realize this, but don’t say anything about love and don’t mention it even in the past tense. Don’t talk about getting back together or possibly getting back one day. Just make the apology and tell her it is the last step to you finally moving on with your life for good. An apology where is due, right?
Moving on, let’s talk about the volleyball thing. Be cool about it if she ever contacts you about it, but don’t be so cool to play a game of volleyball with her and her boyfriend. It looks petty to not say hi, so greet her nicely if you happen to see her, but continue on with your business after that as if she’s not even there. That is the best way to deal with her for the time being. Find the right balance to not look petty or jealous, but don’t allow her to turn you into the wimpy best-friend-ex-boyfriend.
Reply to her birthday text with a simple and mundane reply as I advised and when her birthday comes up, text her only if she texts you on your birthday. You are sending her an apology letter, so it isn’t as if you wouldn’t have made it clear that you are sorry about how things turned out by the time her birthday is up. I hope I answered all your questions Rupert, come back if you have more questions. Talk to you soon buddy.
Coach,
Thanks so much for the advice. I apologize for asking you a bunch of random specific questions. I understand the big picture stuff, like “no contact for 30 days”, but it’s the details and specific situations that I’m clueless about. So thanks for answering those.
The apology letter I wrote already is way too long so I’d basically have to rewrite one anyway. However, I’m not positive if I should send her the apology letter right now. On one hand, I want her to know as soon as possible that I’ve realized my mistakes and I’m working to be a better man. On the other hand, I don’t know if she’d even care what I have to say right now, because she’s in the honeymoon phase with her new boyfriend and I’m sure she’d rather do things with him than read a letter from me. I could be wrong. I haven’t seen her or talked to her in over a month so I have no idea what her mindset is. All I have to go off of is Facebook (not very reliable). So my other theory was maybe to wait a month or two to send the apology letter. That way hopefully the honeymoon phase will have dwindled and her new relationship won’t seem that great. Then my letter might grab her attention more. I realize I run the risk of seeming like I’m not over her or that she might totally move on from me by then, and that’s why I’m asking for your input. If you say send it now, I’ll send it now. If you think later is better, then I’ll hold off until then.
Also, you said I should mention that writing her the letter is the last step in moving on for good. Should I mention that I’m moving on, as in moving on from her and I no longer want her in my life? I’m just not sure how exactly to say I’ve moved on without sounding like I don’t want anything to do with her.
Thanks for the response,
Rupert
Hello Russ,
Romantic relationship is one of those things that is as good as over once you take a step backwards. For example, if you propose to your girlfriend and she answers no, then you can’t go back to the way things were before the proposal and expect to have another chance in the future. If she says no or even a halfass answer like “I have to think about this”, then that relationship is done and it’s just matter of when it becomes official.
She was only 15km away from her family and friends, but she still missed being close to them. Did you actually buy that excuse? 15km, that’s what? A 20 minutes drive? The moving in together deal just didn’t work out for her and seeing as how it is a big step for any couples, once you fail that there is no retrying. She was done with you after the failed attempt at moving in together and she put the last nail in the coffin when your mutual responsibility (the apartment) was no longer an issue.
A failed move, plus the six months apart, and then the new boyfriend, you can’t win this one Russ and so it’s time to move on buddy. Good luck and take care.
Hello Coach,
Appreciate your view and it does make sense that once you have that disappointment, its difficult to go back to how things were just feel apart so quickly and when thought recovered she pulled the plug. The missing her family I did buy that because her family all live down the same road and she was always popping in and out and she has now bought an apartment in the same street, thats how close the family are with each other.
The new boyfriend has just started and she even said to me commitment makes me feel sick when I found out, so that says to me that its her issue not my own that she ran from it. In my opinion she doesn’t know what she wants because even though its been 6 months she still tries to get in contact with me.
I know have to find someone else now that wants the same things as me, will see what happens from here.
Hey coach,
It is me again Jeremy. So all I have to do is follow your advice your article?
I also said to her that I want only to be friends with her for the time being.
Hello Ali,
I look at a situation like your ex girlfriend’s and it immediately reminds me of psychiatric syndromes such as Folie a deux and the Stockholm syndrome. It is an unfortunate situation that usually comes to a tragic end. She is not married to him and she doesn’t have any children with him, so the economic reasons and the parental reasons for staying with an abuser do not apply to her situation.
She’s got a mother who will marry her daughter to an abuser, rather than having to face a little humiliation for canceling a disastrous marriage. I don’t know what kind of mother would do that to her daughter and I also don’t understand how your ex girlfriend hops on and off relationships at a dime. She is with you, then she is with him, then she comes back saying she’s made a mistake, then as soon as her mother disapproves of you she goes right back to him. I don’t know what kind of syndrome she may suffer from, but she’s not the type of person you want to end up with.
As far as what is going on inside her head I have no clue, but if everything you say is true and accurate, then you are very lucky man for not getting more deeply involved with her and her family. The dynamics of a married woman staying with her abusive husband is very different from an unmarried woman allowing herself to be abused as your ex girlfriend has. It’s a touchy and messy subject which I will not go into detail, but suffice to say you should consider yourself lucky.
You can’t help her and quite frankly, I don’t think she feels the need for help either. Forget about the upcoming wedding, forget about her, and move on with your life. Go out and find yourself a confident and respectful woman. That’s it from me Ali, good luck with everything.
Coach,
Sorry to ask more questions, but I had a couple more about the letter. I realized that if I wait a month or two to send the letter, I run the risk that the relationship with the new boyfriend hasn’t actually fizzled out. So I’d just like to hear what you have to say about sending one now as opposed to sending one later.
If you still think I should send it now, I have some questions as to what I can/can’t put in it. Should I put anything like “if you need anything or someone to talk to, you know you can call me”? I don’t want to sound like I’m ok with being a friend, but I also don’t want to make it sound like I’m ready to kick her out of my life and take myself out of hers. Just a little confused on that.
Also, I’m not sure if she’ll even reply. But if she does, I’d imagine she would say something like “I’m glad to hear that your mind is clear, but I still don’t want to get back together”, “It’s too late”, “I’m sorry but I still don’t think we’re right for each other”, or something along those lines. If she responds with something like any of those, do I respond with anything? If she responds at all, do I respond?
Lastly, I feel like my stupid behavior is what pushed her into her new relationship. Can I say anything about that or just leave that subject alone?
Thanks,
Rupert
Hello Need Help,
Let’s start by answering your questions. Did you mess up your only chance of getting her back? Yes and no. Yes, in that you did mess up in the way you handled things when you got back from school and I would also say that everything you did after talking to her in person was all wrong. However, I don’t necessarily think it was your last chance, although it has become much more difficult to turn things around.
Your second question was “How do I get her to start talking to me again?” You will start with NC and don’t tell me you already tried that, because that NC you supposedly tried for two weeks when you were in school wasn’t really NC. You guys agreed to talk in person when you got back home, so she knew you would call and she knew exactly when. That is not how no contact works.
Your third question “With her dating this new guy, which seems to be a rebound thing, what can I do to still have a chance to win her back?” You will have to let her explore her new relationship and wait a while on the sideline to see exactly where you stand. There are no guarantees in life and the same goes for winning your ex girlfriend back. If you are patient and methodical with your planning, then you will make the odds that much more favorable to you.
Hopefully all the other guys who get to read this will take notice and not make the same mistake, you should never try to contact your ex girlfriend’s friends to ask about her whereabouts and her wellbeing. I was seriously concerned is a good excuse, but you and I both know you already knew she was ignoring you. She deleted you from Facebook friend list because among her friends now you are known as the creepy desperate ex boyfriend.
I’ll be honest with you. The situation you are in, it doesn’t look favorable to you. Your best option is probably to move on, but I know you won’t do that anyways, so I’ll give you a simple chore to do for the next thirty days. Don’t contact her, don’t answer her calls, don’t reply to her text and emails, and ignore her every attempt to reach you, of course that’s only if she tries to contact you. All in all, you’d be in no contact with her for six weeks counting the past two weeks of no contact.
You’ve made quite a mess of things after the break up and as a result you only have one play here, no contact. The letter approach will have no impact at this point and you’ll just have to wait this out a bit to get a better grasp of the situation. That’s all I got for you for now. You know where to find me if you wish to discuss this further. Good luck.
Coach,
Thank you for your response. It’s not easy to hear that I messed things up quite a bit, but I do appreciate your honesty.
The chore of thirty days will be my task despite how hard it maybe, however I’m willing to do anything to get her back. You also state that there are some methodical things I can do to increase the odds to make it more favourable to me….what exactly would those be?
Coach,
I know you’re probably getting tired of hearing from me. I don;t know if it changes the situation or not that we’re in, but the personal issues were from the pain and agony of an abortion that happened several months beforehand. When she broke up with me, it was nine months to the very day that we had the procedure.
Like I said, not sure if it changes things or not, but thought it may make a difference in how to approach things